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Disclaimer: I'm not muscling in on JK's turf - just gambolling on it, like a spring lamb, having fun working out the literary and psychological puzzles which she is having fun setting us
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A Beastly Bestiary
These little verses provide an easy introduction to our Charmed and charming magical fauna, suitable for nursery-age children too young even for the popular children’s edition of Newt Scamander's book Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them, let alone for the much weightier and more detailed adult version subtitled A Compleat Field Guide to Magical Zoology.
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Beware the A cromantula: He is a disobliging fella. He has eight legs, And guards his eggs With venom that is sure to kill ya'.
Ashwinder, Ashwinder, Wind through the fire; Lay me an egg To win my desire.
The Augurey cries, Through rain she flies; Struck by the storm she falls and dies: But like the Phoenix she shall rise.
Beware the Basilisk my son, The fangs which bite, the eyes which slay: See it but in a glass and see Another day.
Billywig, Whirligig, Twirly zigzagger, Sting me and I will fly Up to the sky.
The Blood-Sucking Bugbear Isn't a hug-bear; You would not want him to cuddle up close. He bites all your chickens To find easy pickings And the harder you chase him the faster he goes.
Among the boughs the Bowtruckle Her twiggy fingers rattles; She guards wand-trees from enemies And woodlice are her vittles1.
The Bundimun will undermine Your house, her house, his and mine. Legs that scuttle, eyes that shine As in your cellar he do dine.
Whose eyes Are wise? Who reads the skies? Whose chestnut thighs Canter through green woods? 'Neath the spreading chestnut tree The Centaur lies.
The Chimaera's made of pieces Stuck on with magic glue: Avoid his teeth and claws or you Will be in pieces too.
Chizpurfles eat Lectrisitty And magic sorts of power; If you should get them in your hair You'll need a power shower.
The Clabbert clings with slimy toes Among the leaves; her pustule glows - She knows it shows For all to see. She holds on limberly And in the tree Pretends to be A cherry.
The Crup is a pup With a double tail: He'll snore upon your pillow, And guard you on the trail. His ears prick up like petals; His eyes are brown and warm; His nose is like an icicle Pressed on your sleeping form.
Dementors feed on sorrow, They drive out all your joys; To guard the gates of Azkaban They used to be employed. They breed in mist and sadness, But if you get it right And meet them with high spirits They'll quail before your light.
The Demiguise Lives in disguise, He feeds on quince and goosegog2 pies. If you are true He'll give to you A cloak to hide you from all eyes.
The Diricawl or "Dodo" Dwells Wherever she can pop to. A sudden huff A puff of fluff And who knows where she’ll hop to?
The Doxy's a poxy nuisance, An eight-limbed hairy biter, As swift he flies In vain you try To swat the little blighter.
Green or brown or opal fine The Dragon flies; She soars the skies And hopes to dine On human.
The Dugbog is a floating log With little teeth and clawses Bear this in mind Or you may find Your ankle in his jawses.
If an Erkling has an inkling She can sniff a human child She will chortle and she’ll chuckle Till she has that child beguiled. But her interest is culin’ry, So if you do not wish To attend an Erkling’s dinner As her favourite main dish – If you wish to make a run for it As fast as you are able, And not be served with fennel On her darling little table - Take heed now of my warning And remember, every one, Not all that glints is golden, And not all that giggles is fun.
Should the Erumpent get bent Out of shape By some rival’s cocky grin Or little jape He will prod them with his horn Which his nose it do adorn – Boom - And you couldn’t fix them up with Spellotape.
The Fairy isn’t very bright Although her wings shine brightly, And even though in Muggle tales She primps and preens quite tritely You’ll find her eggs and larvae are Slightly unsightly.
The Fire Crab isn't crabby, Although he is quite cross To think that he gets called a crab When clearly he’s a tortoise. Who tries to steal his jewelled shell, Assuming he is friendly, Will find his back-end burner is Silent but deadly.
The Flesh-Eating Slug - ugh. Phew, what a mug!
The Flobberworm’s a hagfish Adapted to eat leaves, And being harvested for slime is One of his pet peeves. He writhes and rolls and wriggles, He tumbles and he weaves: To see the phlegmy sheets slide off Would give you the dry heaves.
The Fwooper is a whooper, An acid-coloured swooper. If you should hear his song too long You’ll be a raving looper.
1 "Vittles" is an old-fashioned, slangey pronunciation of "victuals".
2 "Goosegog" - traditional humorous nickname for the sour green fruit called a gooseberry.]
We are told in the introduction to Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them that more are being discovered all the time, and we know of at least two which are mentioned in the story but aren't in FB: the Flesh-Eating Slug and the Blood-Sucking Bugbear (which could be either a vampire bear or badger or a woolly, bear-like insect). The belief in the existence of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack implies the existence of Snorkacks with un-crumpled horns, just as the existence of a Pygmy Hippopotamus implies the existence of a full-sized Hippopotamus.
I have changed the description of Newt Scamander’s works at the top of the first page. The booklet entitled Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them which JK Rowling produced for charity is clearly intended to be canonical just as it stands, as it is presented like a real book owned by Harry and borrowed – and scribbled in – by Ron. It is to Ron’s marginal notes that we are indebted for the information that when he was a small child the Twins beat his pet Puffskein to death for fun. Yet, it’s far too primitive and lacking in detail to be anything like a real textbook, or to justify the supposedly high reputation of the author. I assumed, therefore, that this was a book for children and that Newt Scamander must have written a more detailed and informative volume for older readers, which I christened A Compleat Field Guide to Magical Zoology.
However, I’ve since noticed Hermione’s dialogue about the Erumpent horn in DH: “She was pointing at an enormous, grey spiral horn, not unlike that of a unicorn, which had been mounted on the wall, protruding several feet into the room. [cut] ‘…it's an Erumpent horn! It's a Class B Tradeable Material and it's an extraordinarily dangerous thing to have in a house!' [cut] 'There's a description in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them! Mr Lovegood, you need to get rid of it straight away, don't you know it can explode at the slightest touch?' [cut] ‘… I recognise the grooved markings around the base …’”
All that the FB booklet tells us about the Erumpent’s horn is that it is situated on the animal’s nose, is large and sharp, can penetrate many materials including metal and causes the thing penetrated to explode, by injecting a special fluid into it. There’s no mention of the horn itself exploding, or being spiral, or having grooves around the base, and the fact that the Erumpent is said to resemble a rhinoceros from a distance in fact suggests a simple, curving horn, not a spiral. Clearly then there is a more adult, detailed bestiary, but unless Hermione misspoke that adult version is also called Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them. Consequently, I’ve downgraded the name A Compleat Field Guide to Magical Zoology to a mere subtitle, and assumed that the published FB booklet is a child’s crib-sheet or primer to accompany the larger work.
[Just FYI, as I was composing this note I mistyped the title of the book as Fantastic Breasts & Where to Find Them. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your sense of humour, I spotted the error in time to edit it before uploading – but you know that’s just got to be the title of a wizarding girlie mag.]
If the Flobberworm’s main claim to fame is the mucus it produces, I suspect it is a cousin of the famously slimy primitive vertebrate called the hagfish, which produces prodigious sheets of mucus with fascinating properties which are the subject of much current research. We’re told in the FB booklet that the Flobberworm looks the same at both ends, whereas the hagfish does have a rudimentary face of sorts, with tiny eyes, horrible rasping teeth and a lot of feelers around the mouth. However, a hagfish which had adapted to a largely vegetarian diet in the bottom of a ditch might well have lost most of these features.
This series will be added to two or three letters at a time.
