Duet for One
I being here in two minds and neither of them,
I fear,
Entirely right -
Being, as I am, both betrayer and saviour,
Balanced between two worlds,
Belonging nowhere;
Doubted where I am true and trusted
Where I betray -
I, being so, must shape myself
Into a tool that serves the purpose of the day:
A mouth to pay
Lip-service to the service of the night
(Become that puppet-thing that dances duty
On the Dark Lord's strings;
Wearing the worst in me
Like a shabby cloak, the best
Pushed down where He won't sniff it,
So that I too may nest,
Invisible,
Amongst the enemies I once called friend;
Finding a fine course through the courts of pain):
Turn the dark mind to the light,
Turn the light mind to the dark again.
Well, I never was one for the simple life,
Although it might be pleasant,
Now and then,
To try it - but I loved the complex,
The ambiguous, I saw myself
Walking the knife's edge between sun and moon,
I thought it was
Romantic - stupid little fool -
See where it got me. All that dark
Romanticism soured like spoiled milk.
Its taste is bitter.
(Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?
Definitely not. And I was never
All that temperate, either.)
There's a cold wind blowing at my back.
If I turned around I know fine what I would see -
So I don't.
I thought to stand alone was darkly fine, heroic,
I never looked to be
So bloody lonely. Can you see
How, cutting, I am cut (to the flinching quick)?
How I desire what I fear yet fear
What I desire? Friendship's warming fire
Might burn me up. When as a child the children tried
To lead me to the wolf I knew my place, then;
I am still
Hemmed in by wolves, although my teeth are sharp.
I must go out now: I may be
A long time gone.
Too much emotion, anyway, is lethal.
I cannot feel friendship in the halls of night -
That way lies madness. How could I love and, loving, still betray?
Yet by the fireside of the day I dare not feel
Soft feelings either, nothing so strong I cannot bleach it bare
Of any colour, by an act of will,
Knowing at any moment that my brand may burn;
Knowing the unsolved Riddle may review my heart
For any weakness. I must pass as sane.
Turn the dark mind to the light,
Turn the light mind to the dark again.
I was born
On the feast of Janus Two-Faced - agony
And masks are mine by birthright.
Agone? And shall I slay?
Before the old ram falls to the wolf and the sons of blood run riot
Through the groves of learning?
Must I go
Out into endless night, alone
And friendless, anchorless
And cast adrift, just as I'd thought to find
My rest there, in the long slumber of the narrow grave?
Must I still save
The ingrate bastards from their folly
Yet again, knowing if either side uncovers me
My death will be
Painful and long?
But I've a strong
Presentiment no other bugger will.
Give me my cloak, my mask, I'll strut your bloody stage
Though curtains fall, and shadows mock at me,
And blood-red eyes
Burn upon every turn. If not me, who?
And if not now, then when?
Turn the dark mind to the light,
Turn the light mind to the dark (again).
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