We are in what seems to be a dreamscape. The filmstock has a kind of ethereal, other-worldly
quality to it. Tinkly piano music plays in the background. The camera pans across some children's
drawings. As they move across the frame we hear the children's thoughts. (We hear them
speaking as adults)
Drawing 1 shows a badly drawn policeman.
DRAWING 1 (VO)
When I grow up I want to be a policeman.
Drawing 2 shows a badly drawn astronaut
DRAWING 2 (VO)
I want to be an astronaut.
Drawing 3 shows a badly drawn film poster.
DRAWING 3 (VO)
I wanna be a film director.
DRAWING 4 is set slightly apart from the rest. It shows a cross-section of a head.
CHILD 4 (VO)
Tell me about your childhood.
2. Dr Arbuthnott's Office. Int. Day
The filmstock is back to normal now. There are two people in the room, DR ARBUTHNOTT and
JEREMY, a patient. DR ARBUTHNOTT is asleep, JEREMY is oblivious to this.
JEREMY
....The tears, the recriminations, the screaming abuse at each other.
Our relationship isn't working any more. Just the other day we had an argument about
who had...
DR ARBUTHNOTT sinks further in his chair. JEREMY notices that he is asleep.
JEREMY
(cont)
Doctor? Are you listening?
DR ARBUTHNOTT wakes with a start. He drops his notes on the floor as he does so. He looks at
them lying on the ground and then at JEREMY.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
I think that's enough for today. How about you?
OPENING TITLES.
opening credits run over a series of shots of self help books and magazines.
2. Dr Arbuthnott's Office, Day, Int
DR ARBUTHNOTT is sitting at his desk. He looks very unhappy indeed. He looks thoughtful for a
moment and then takes a video out of his desk drawer.
He looks at the cassette sleeve, it reads, "Help yourself to self help". DR ARBUTHNOTT looks
uncertain as to whether he should play the tape. Eventually he puts the tape into his video
recorder and presses play. Cheesy music blares out and a cheap looking graphic appears on the
screen "Help yourself to self-help, with Layton Bridges". Layton Bridges turns out to be a rather
smarmy American.
LAYTON
Hi, I'm Layton Bridges. Right now you're feeling pretty low. But that's okay, it's why I'm
here. This tape is going to help you to become a better person. Through watching it you will
learn that problems don't exist. They are just opportunities for life changes. Are you ready?
Okay, first imagine you're swimming in a beautiful lake. We are going to help you take a swim in
Lake You. (He points at unseen viewer) Then we're gonna take a walk down Decision Drive and
pull in at Motel Emotion. To do this...
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Christ, £15.99 for this!
He pulls a face and quickly removes the tape which he dumps back into his desk drawer.
3. Secretary's Office
DR ARBUTHNOTT walks down a corridor past the doorway to his secretary, JANICE's office. He
ignores her. She stops pruning her busy lizzie and calls out after him.
JANICE
Goodnight Arnold!
He appears not to hear her. She looks disappointed.
4. A Street, Ext, Day
DR ARBUTHNOTT is walking slowly down the street. He looks very depressed.
5 A Park. Ext, Day
Arnold is sitting on a park bench. He is holding an open newspaper but not reading it. He
watches people walk past but his expression makes it apparent that he isn't happy. He begins to
screw up the paper. Some people walk in front of the camera blocking our view. When they pass
the bench is empty. The screwed up newspaper is lying on the bench.
6. Dr Arbuthnott's Office. Int, Day
Camera pulls back from card on wall saying "Congratulations!". We see Arnold looking at the card
and then at JEREMY. JEREMY is wearing different clothes. Time has moved on since last we saw
them. All the while JEREMY continues talking about his problems.
JEREMY
...there's this never-ending battle between us. I want my way, she wants hers...
JEREMY (Cont)
What do you suggest?
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(Despairingly) Why don't you just sod off?
JEREMY
(Confused) I beg your pardon?
DR ARBUTHNOTT
You heard me. Every day I have to listen to people whining on about their problems, their
worries. I had enough, I don't care any more. Leave your wife if you're having so many
problems, I couldn't give a toss. I don't care any more. Finito, that's it. Finished.
JEREMY
(Stunned) Are you feeling alright?
DR ARBUTHNOTT leans forward.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(shouts) I will be when you bugger off!!
JEREMY is startled. He gets his coat sheepishly.
JEREMY
(quietly) I'll be off then...
JEREMY leaves, closing the door behind him. DR ARBUTHNOTT breathes a sigh of twenty years
worth of relief. He looks at the door and a smile breaks across his face.
7. Corridor outside his office. Int. Day
DR ARBUTHNOTT his heading for his office. He passes JANICE's office door. He is very cheerful.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Good morning, Janice! Full appointment book I hope?
JANICE
(Hesitantly) Yes it is.. Are you alright?
DR ARBUTHNOTT is already on his way out of the door.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Never better!
8. Dr Arbuthnott's office. Int. Day
A montage sequence showing DR ARBUTHNOTT giving advice to a day's worth of patients. The
camera is locked off. DR ARBUTHNOTT is in a different part of the room for each shot. The
patients all look strangely like media production students.
PATIENT 1 is a man.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Frankly? Yes, I think you are ugly.
The man looks understandably upset.
CUT TO:
PATIENT 2 is a man.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Yes, size is important to women.
PATIENT 2 looks devastated.
CUT TO:
PATIENT 3 is a woman.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
So you think your husband is having an affair with his secretary? Well, why don't you have
one with her as well? Or both at the same time.
PATIENT 3 looks like she is giving it serious consideration.
CUT TO:
PATIENT 4 is another man.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Have you actually tried talking to any girls?
PATIENT 4 shakes his head and looks ashamed.
DR ARBUTHNOTT (cont.)
Pathetic.
CUT TO:
9. Janice's Office. Int. Evening
PATIENT 4 walks down the corridor sniffling. JANICE watches him go with a worried expression
on her face. DR ARBUTHNOTT follows not far behind him, he is leaving for the evening.
JANICE
Everything alright, Arnold?
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(grinning) Great! Why?
JANICE
Well, one or two people seem a bit upset when they leave these days.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(mock concern) Are they really?
JANICE
(Turns page on book) But the appointments book is fuller than ever. I've never known it
so busy. Why do you suppose that is? Doctor?
DR ARBUTHNOTT has gone.
10. Dr Arbuthnott's Office, Int, Day
DR ARBUTHNOTT is reading aloud from his notes.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Now you've been referred to me after you where arrested in Thorntons for indecent
behaviour. What was it you were doing exactly?
BERNARD
Well. Erm. (He squirms in his seat) I er, toffee gets me. You know... excited.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(looking at notes) Excited?
BERNARD
Yes, that's right.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Perhaps you can tell me how this fixation started.
BERNARD
Well I suppose it really started when I was eleven...
As he talks DR ARBUTHNOTT takes out a Curly Wurly and begins to eat it.
BERNARD (cont)
(Starts to breathe a little more heavily)
I was... I er.. (shakes his head) Sorry, er this girl... er, had...
The soundtrack breaks into 'Je'taime Moi Non Plus', we see lots of close up shots of the Curly
wurly being eaten. BERNARD looks more and more uncomfortable. It's rather like a Flake advert
but slightly cheesier. With a sound of a needle scratching a record. We are back to reality.
BERNARD
And she, erm. (breaks off) I sorry would you excuse...
He runs out of the room. DR ARBUTHNOTT shrugs and finishes the Curly Wurly.
11. Janice's Office, Ext, Day
DR ARBUTHNOTT enters.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
How people did I see today?
JANICE
(Looks at book) Twenty two.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
And tomorrow?
JANICE
Twenty eight. We'll have to start turning people away soon!
DR ARBUTHNOTT looks thoughtful.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Night, Janice.
12 Dr Arbuthnott's Office, Day. Int
DR ARBUTHNOTT presses a button on his intercom.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Send the next one in will you Janice?
JEREMY walks in. He seems excited. DR ARBUTHNOTT seems genuinely surprised to see him.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
What brings you here?
JEREMY
I came because I cannot thank you enough Doctor.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(Baffled) I'm sorry?
JEREMY
I took your advice. I left my wife. We're both so much happier now it's unbelievable .
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(taken aback) I don't really know what to say...
JEREMY
For the first time in years somebody was totally honest with me. It was just what I needed
You have a great gift. Thank you.
13. Outside Janice's office. Int. day
DR ARBUTHNOTT is showing JEREMY out. after he has gone he turns to JANICE.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(Still confused) Are they all like that? I mean erm..
JANICE
How do you mean?
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Well... grateful.
JANICE
(Catching on) Oh yes! I mean most of them leave here pretty devastated. But they usually
write back to say they're feeling much better. Haven't you been reading your mail?
Shot of his memo tray overflowing with paper.
JANICE (cont.)
One woman told me that she'd recommended you to all her friends. It's no wonder we're
so busy!
14. Outside Janice's Office. Day. Int.
DR ARBUTHNOTT walks past the door. The telephone is ringing constantly.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
How many today Janice?
JANICE
Thirty-six. (Phone rings, she answers it) Dr Arbuthnott's surgery, Janice speaking. (listens)
Yes, there are still appointments availiable....
DR ARBUTHNOTT looks rather shell-shocked and heads towards his office.
15. Outside Janice's Office. Day. Int
DR ARBUTHNOTT walks past the door on the way to his office.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(wearily) How many?
JANICE
Fifty-nine Dr Arbuthnott. (phone rings) Hello? ...I'm afraid the only spaces we have free
aren't until April... 2002. (puts hand over receiver) Don't forget your mail!
Dr Arbuthnott makes his way wearily to his office taking his mail with him.
16. Dr Arbuthnott's office. Int. Day.
DR ARBUTHNOTT is just finishing with a female patient
NERYS
I suppose I should have seen the signs earlier really. You know, the little things. The lipstick
marks on his collar, the smell of cheap perfume on his clothes, the whip marks on his back...
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Listen, the reason he left you is because deep down you're completely spineless and let
people walk all over you. You have done all your life. In fact, I'm doing it now.
The patient is in floods of tears.
NERYS
(sobbing) Thank you very much Doctor. (shakes his hand)
She leaves. DR ARBUTHNOTT sits contemplating for a moment. He puts his head in his hands
and sits in total silence.
17. Janice's Office, Int Day
DR ARBUTHNOTT gingerly puts his head around the door.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(with trepidation) How many?
JANICE
(hesitantly) Sixty-one.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(head in hands, wearily) Cancel all my appointments Janice. Tell them I'm ill will you?
18. Dr Arbuthnott's Office, Int, Day
DR ARBUTHNOTT is sitting at his desk staring at the "Congratulations!" card on his wall.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
Twenty bloody years...
He takes the video-tape out of his desk drawer. He stares at it thoughtfully.
19. A living room somewhere. Int. Day
An unseen somebody takes a video-tape off their shelf and puts it into their video recorder. A
simple title screen appears. It says "Self Help the Arbuthnott Way". Dr Arbuthnott appears on
screen being filmed in his office. He turns towards the camera.
DR ARBUTHNOTT
(soothing voice) Right now you've got a problem. That's why you've bought this tape. I'm going
to help you solve those problems. But lets not fanny around here, the only person with a
problem is you. So the first thing you're going to do is learn to bloody well pull yourself
together...
A hand reaches into shot and picks up a Curly Wurly. The sound of heavy breathing can be
heard...
