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More Exciting News

Well, not really...

My short story collection, Tall Short Stories, has a snazzy, new front cover. Guaranteed to cause book buyers to add it to their book collection.

(Those readers who like short stories and snazzy front covers, that is.)

TALL SHORT STORIES

No Thugs In Our House

Just a question: but is anyone investigating Nigel Farage?

Super Heroes

I've always thought that American superheroes were just too super. British superheroes would be more down-to-earth. Soupman for instance: handing out bowls of warm, comforting tomato soup to those who need reassurance when disaster calls. And, of course, Ciderman, who is able to overcome a caseful of 30 cans of super-strength Diamond White. He even has his own song:

Ciderman, Ciderman
Is he strong? Listen Bud
He's got alcohol-infused blood
Can he swing on a web?
No he's pissed, now he's dead
Oh dear! Sweet Ciderman.

Whenever Stan Lee comes calling, I'm ready.

Sardina Pichardus: The Book That Never Happened

I took down my fake book today. Proof that a smart front cover and a humorous write-up isn't sufficient on its own to create interest in the minds of the discerning (and non-discerning, perhaps?) book-reading public. Or maybe I'm just bull-sh*tting myself...

The full story of this fishy tale, fake book can be found here.

Another Season Over

Another football season over and once again we were just above the relegation zone. It has felt that we have been playing well in the latter part of the season without getting the results our play should have deserved. Without a doubt we were let down by our defending.

It is difficult to blame any individuals in defense, because we have some skilful players - perhaps it is the system we play..? Hopefully, next season we can concede fewer goals and manage to take more of the chances we have been making.

..and, of course, not get deducted any points for 'overspending*' (* unlike certain other clubs who spend more on two players than our entire squad cost).

A Song For Europe

Every year (excepting two years ago) the UK entry for the Eurovision Song Contest has been eating the dust of successful countries' entries. Every year it has collected few points - or 'Nul Points'. This situation may have been the cause of Brexit - viz: the UK's reaction to not winning since 'Puppet on a String'.

The problem may be that the competition has been wholly taken over by EuroTechno Pop ballads, and the UK have tried to emulate these. What we need is something uniquely British.

My suggestion for next year's competition is for a group of Morris Dancers, in full regalier of budgie-bell pads, baldrics, braces, rosettes, sashes, waistcoats, tatter-coats, knee-length breeches, wooden clogs, straw hats, neckerchiefs and armbands, waving their sticks above their heads and singing:

A-merry do and a-derry-do
in the fields the wheat doth grow
and round the May Pole we doth go.
Hey nonny-no; hey nonny-no.
Like a puppet on a string...

Or someone causing a set of bagpipes to squeal...

Fourteen Years Of Neglect

One of the more subtle signs, to me, of the decline in the state of the nations of the United Kingdom is not the crumbling concrete or tarmac, nor the reduction of bus and train services, nor the inability of people (desperate) to access health and dental services, nor the miriad of other failings; no, I look to road signs to show up what has gone wrong with this country.

Road signs are consistantly faded, green with mold, bent out of shape and/or entirely non-visible because of encroaching, overgrown hedgerows.

The signs are all there (or not, as the case may be). The Government has been (consciously) sleeping..

see 20/08/2023

Heroes

A dream I had last night got me to thinking about heroes: those people who make us mere mortals gibber and go weak at the knees by their close (or not so close) proximity (can proximity be 'not close'?) And I realised that I was not really much of a hero worshipper - they are, after all, only ordinary people.

But here is a list of people who might have me gibbering: any existing (live) former members of Black Sabbath or Led Zeppelin; Jan Akkerman; at least four (members or former) members of Fairport Convention; the last three former members of XTC; no living authors (all my heroes are now dead - Brian Aldiss being the last one to go, I think); and about five or six former Nottingham Forest players from the early/mid 1980s. And from the 'film world' possibly Tom Courtney and Jeff Bridges.

The rest of mankind are - of course - just ordinary people (to me).

Red Is A Mean, Mean Colour

In 1974 I started buying my first music albums. Mott The Hoople's The Hoople was one, the other was Cockney Rebel's The Psychomodo - this was on the basis of their single Judy Teen (which didn't appear on the album).

The Psychomodo starts with a couple of fantastic songs, Sweet Dreams and Psychomodo, followed by the hit single Mr Soft, which became an iconic hit (iconic after it was used in a t.v. advert for Trebor Softmints).

The album is still one of my favourites even after all these years. It, and Bowie's Hunky Dory, are still relevant to me (a musical dinosaur) as they were 50 years ago. Proof that the Seventies wasn't such a sh*t decade after all...

I just need to find a copy of The Hoople. (Also I need to find a different word instead of "iconic".)

The Charles Atlas Method

Many years ago, about the time when I had just left school, I was worried about my appearance. I was, you see, a ten stone weakling. Tall, thin, with a complete absence of any muscle. So I started lifting weights, and eating high protein foodstuffs, and took up sprinting - anything that would improve my strength and muscle definition.

And after only three months I became a sweaty ten stone weakling.

These days I am just pushing seventeen stone but none of that extra body mass is through hard work, dedication, keen exercise or a high protein diet.

Another Whine About The Tories

Don't take my word for it; listen to them and make your own mind up. But..

..whenever I hear a Government minister talking about some piece of government business in their area of responsibility, he or she always says: '..we have spent XXX million Pounds on this..'. They never say: '..we have put ZZZZ in place and this is helping to reduce the backlog/problem..'. They never say that they actually want (or have a plan) to cure the backlog/problem; they just talk about XXX money they have spent on it.

This is despite the fact (generally) that ten years ago XXX plus YY was being spent in this area and the backlog/problem didn't previously exist because ZZZZ was previously in place - but had been cut to save YY from being spent.'

If you follow what I mean.

Measures Of Imperialism

To celebrate our new-found freedom from the foreign EU metric system, I went to the pub last night and ordered a pint of wine. It cost me 12,469 Farthings.

On the way home I topped my car up with a bushel of petrol.

God bless the Brexiteers..!

Garibaldi Reds

Whoever follows Steve Cooper at Forest will have their work cut out to achieve the absolutely insane amount of affection that the fans have given him these last two years...

Lord Of The Blings

It's that time of the year again. That little, pot-bellied fellow, who loves to wear bright clothing and loves offering gifts to everyone, will make his appearance. Yes, Bilbo Baggins - I will be doing my Hobbit reading. Not just Bilbo, but also Frodo and his mates.

Once again, I will wonder why they didn't travel by eagle, to save the fuss caused by walking through danger. Much quicker and a much shorter book, too.

As for Christmas: all I want for Christmas is World peace; the eradication of poverty, starvation and death from diseases; equality and justice for all; and a battery for my bike light. I've been a good boy, Santa...

Writing Matter

I've spent the past six or seven years trying to sell my e-books. Clearly I have been going about it the wrong way. Of course, the answer might be that my stories are no good. Or the problem might be down to a useless marketing strategy. I suspect (and hope it is) the latter. I am not sure where to go with my marketing strategy. I am not sure whether I have a marketing strategy.

"Woo-hoo!" I 'sold' a book on Monday. Albeit one of my free books: Short And Curlies. Small victories bring large emotional rewards.
For a brief moment in time...

My reading matter is back on track. After crawling through The Silmarillion, I am now back on solid ground with Chandler's The Long Goodbye. Oh happy days!

Reading Matter

My reading matter is somewhat boring at the moment. After my 'gorge-fest' of biographies/autobiographies, and some classic books (example: Titus Groan), I am now following a path of reading books in my collection that have never been read before (read by me, that is). This includes a study of Russian literature, The Idiot by Fyodor Somebodyorotherski and (possibly) some other serious Russian literature.

For light relief, I am currently reading Mike Harding's Walking The Dales. Now Mike is a nice guy (I met him once) and his photographs of the Yorkshire Dales are worthy images, but his walking the dales prose isn't inspiring me (sorry!). But at least it is miles better than a study of Russian literature. And The Idiot had me squealing after only ten pages (I got to page 28 and gave up).

Perhaps it is time I released those books, the ones I bought all those years ago but never got around to reading, back into the wild?

I need to find novels that excite me as much as the novels already in my collection (a hidden set of Raymond Chandler books, perhaps?) Or some classic science fiction? Sadly, as mentioned before, nobody leaves science fiction in charity shops: thrillers, yes; romance novels, yes; 'humorous' chick-lit, yes - the charity shop bookshelves are awash with those, but no classic science fiction (and I don't mean War Of The Worlds).

But one type of book that may soon to be appearing on those charity shop shelves is: the triumphant story of groundbreaking efficiency in a Soviet tractor manufacturing factory.
And The Idiot.

News: BBC's Natural World

The BBC is taking a leaf out of Channel 5's book by introducing a Diary Room on its Natural World programme:

[Geordie accent]: "Sally the seal is in the Diary Room."

[Sally the seal, eating a sardine and brushing her whiskers madly]: "I'm gutted! These so-called friends, who talk so nice to you - to your face, telling you how much they love you as a friend, turn on you, as soon as you turn your back, and - see! (waving her back flipper to the camera) - take a bite out of me back flipper. Flippin' Eric the Orca. He said he wanted to be there with me at the end of the entire show - just me and him on the final vote, and he does that. Now they're all going to gang up on me, eat me and I'll end up dead..."

Don't you forget: you read it here first.

Live In Peace

In these troubled times no one wants to hear good news, perhaps? But here it is - small and insignificant:

I, Chimp, my very short mini-novellette, is available for free from the UK Kobo webpage during this merry month of October (merry, if you happen to live in a non-war torn part of the world).

Beyond this bit of 'good' news, the previous post (01/10/23) was inspired by the finding of a dead rat in my back yard. A very happy-looking dead rat indeed...

Tales From The Willows

Mole stepped lightly through the tumbled willows, humming a gentle tune to himself. As he approached the water’s edge he espied Ratty in an attitude of quiet repose. Ratty, thought Mole, seemed at peace with the world; no longer that twitchy, nervous creature that Mole knew so well. Mole was amazed at the transformation. Ratty had clearly somehow learned to overcome his naturally agitated nature. He was lying on the grass by the gentle stream, relaxed and composed – Mole had never seen him so calm. And that sedate smile on his face…

Then, as he came closer to the friend he so dearly loved, he noticed that terrible smell and the tiny maggots crawling through Ratty’s fur.

Here's To Gregor Mendel!

A passing thought about Mendel's work with peas led me to the question: 'Why are some genes dominant over other genes?'

I did my Google bit (DuckDuckGo, actually) and read a number of the answers.

Sadly, my stupid, uncomprehending gene is dominant over my clever, understanding gene...

Caring Society

Good old Liz Truss has done it again. She's opened her mouth.

Apparently she thinks the Government should give tax cuts to the better off, reduce benefit (increases) for those less well off and make those less well off work longer (years) before they can claim their state pension (i.e. die).

A bit like Robin Hood in reverse.

Expanding Horizons

Please ensure that you write the following letter and send it to your local Conservative MP, immediately:

Dear Sir/Lady [enter name here] OBE, KBE, et cetera, M.P.

I am outraged that the United Kingdoms of England, Scotland and Northern Ireland has rejoined the Horizon scheme today. This is against all the principles that I - and the vast majority of right-minded taxpayers in the country - voted for, on 23 June 2016, for sovereign control of national borders and sewage disposal.

P.S. Can we bring back Boris, as that other chap is clearly a bit of a Remainer.

COYRs!

I had a feeling that we would beat Chelsea yesterday, from Chelsea's recent form over the past year/half-year and the fact that we drew with them in both games last season. (Mind you, I thought we might beat Man Utd, the previous week-end - and was still of that opinion after we had scored two goals in that first glorious four minutes - and what happened after that..?) This Forest team are on the up. (Not brilliant; just on the up.) One happy (radio) listener. Pity I can't get tickets for the matches.

I have being trying hard to think of ways to sell my books: clearly snazzy front covers don't make much difference (Short And Curlies); perhaps my Synopsis/Write-up needs to be more... aggressive? (I was never very good at selling myself); the thought of dressing up as a pixie makes me wince (especially because of the green tights and pointy footwear); and this fantastic self-advertising website surely can't be any better - can it?

Perhaps I need to become a minor t.v. celebrity (to help sell my books)..? I could do The Great British Bake Off On Ice - or Get Me Out Of Here, I'm A Wombat's Testicle. Or not.

Details of my books - what they are about and where you can buy them from - are here. Give it a try - or I'll have to slip on those old green tights...

The New Highway Code

The Department For Transport has reissued the Highway Code, updated for today's modern world.

In a new section, called Road Rage, drivers are advised to: '..keep your thumb tucked away from the fist, when punching, to avoid dislocation..' and '..place your weight on your leading foot when head-butting..'.

The section on Parking advises drivers to park '..at least two feet on the pavement.. ..to prevent wheel chair users safe access..'

The Road Signs section has been updated:

A grey, bleached-out triangular sign with the letters IVE WA means you must give way to traffic on the major road.

A circular green lichen-covered sign with some numbers on it indicates the maximum speed permissible - if you can make out the number under the lichen (if not, just put your foot down).

Any sign completely hidden by an overgrown hedge can be ignored. All pot-holes must be avoided where possible. (They are there for the use of toads crossing the road.)

News

News is the reporting of major items of interest that occur around the World: earthquakes in Turkey; war in Yemen; famine in Ethiopia; the decision, by the UK Government, to transfer refugees to the Isle of Rockall...

News is not: who is due to appear on Strictly Come Dancing.

It is not a newsworthy item for - say - which animal is due to appear on wildlife programmes, is it? Although, having said that, there is due to be a guest appearance by Kevin, from Meerkat Manor: The Rise of the Dynasty, on David Attenborough's latest Planet Earth series - sadly, an appearance cut tragically short by Trevor the Hyena, from Animal Park. And a cloud (Sarah), who once appeared on ITV's Emmerdale (she rained), will feature in tonight's six o'clock BBC weather report.

I look forward to watching both programmes.

More Happiness

A trio of Woos! Thank-you, Australia. My book sales stats are climbing towards an historic number (but when you think about it: what is 'historic' about a number?) Well, never mind, numbers excite the mathematician in me (especially when they are going up.) It would excite me - even more - if someone actually spent some money buying one of my books - but hey...

...money is not the be-all and end-all of everything. Although it can be used to buy some Smarties. Or pay a gas bill.

b.t.w I have finished Stand On Zanzibar (well worth reading) and am now reading Viv Anderson's autobiography.

Stand On Zanzibar

Oh, Boy, when I eventually found a sci-fi novel in a charity shop, I found a beauty!

Currently reading John Brunner's Stand On Zanzibar.

My poor, little brain...

Science Fact Or Fiction?

As I wander round charity shops, looking for books to increase my collection, I see the usual types of books on offer.

These are: cookery books, self-help books, self-help cookery books, multiple autobiographies by minor t.v. 'celebrities' (please feel free to yawn, as I have complained about this previously), thriller novels, romance novels and light humour (female writers') novels.

Now I've nothing against any of these types of books - other than I don't want to read them. My problem is: what I don't find (except by exception) are science fiction novels (the exceptions being Greybeard by Brian Aldiss and Destiny's Road by Larry Niven - which I've bought, read and don't want to read again, thank-you very much).

Nobody donates their old sci-fi books to charity.

Is this because sci-fi readers are uncharitable? Or are they more attached to their books, than - say, for example - a reader of one of Sharon Osbourne's six autobiographies? (One life: six autobiographies..?) Or have they disappeared into space (or forwards/backwards in time) with their beloved possessions (including their copy of Stranger In A Strange Land)?

I really don't know the answer to this conundrum (and I guess you don't either), so there is no point in me pointing it out - other than it is a fact.

John The Gun Did Say

Scammers play on people's fears. They might do this by saying:
Your bank account is being compromised; we need to transfer your money out of your account to protect it;
or:
One hundred million refugees are trying to enter the UK illegally by boat; we need to send a hundred of them to Rwanda to stop the other ninety-nine million, nine hundred and ninty-nine thousand and nine hundred of them from paddling ashore.

But of course, given a brief amount of thought-time and a sprinkling of common sense, we can see through these deceptions. If your bank is aware that your bank account is in danger of being compromised, then they can block any dodgy transaction. That is, after all, something they are supposed to do.

Similarly, it would take one hundred million refugees at least two and a half thousand years to all paddle over to Dover by inflatable boats at the current rate of travel (40,000 a year). Most of them (and you and I, and certain ministers in the Government) would be dead before that two and a half thousand year period was up (unless we had a secret life-extending pill).

So, just ignore the scammers.

The following is a true fact: If you buy a copy of any of my ebooks (available from the Kobo bookstore) this will prevent someone, somewhere around the world, from falling off a ladder. So, save a life; buy a book (even a free one).
You read it here first.

Happiness

Happiness is a small, localised, temporary rupture in the fabric of the universe, whose natural state is misery: misery, in both its pure, high-level form of utter, intense anguish and low-level, grumbling background noise of dissatisfaction.

I just thought I would let you know...

I had a happy moment when my latest book 'sold' a few copies over the last couple of days. As ever, these moments are brief and transient.

Short And Curlies

I've brought forward the publishing date of my latest collection of short pieces (I can't call them stories). Short And Curlies is out tomorrow. Check the Kobo Bookstore for details. At the very least, it has a fancy front cover...

More details can be found here. By the way: it is free.

I am looking forward to the new football season fixtures, tomorrow (well I can't be looking backward, can I?)

Transport

I am currently whizzing around on my push bike.

Well, 'whizzing' may be overstating it a bit, but at least I have fixed that puncture* I had been on about fixing, and got out on my bike a few times (albeit laboriously slowly). Hopefully, I will keep up the good work. Who knows: maybe sometime in the next few months I will have travelled a few hundred miles and got rid of that excess baggage I have accumulated over the past few years..? Seventeen stone down to sixteen stone, down to fifteen and a half stone.

I may be bringing forward my Short And Curlies book, as I don't see any point in advertising a book that no one can actually see (see 14/05/23 post).

[* I actually couldn't find the puncture - even though the inner tube was definitely going down but doesn't now seem to be.]

Garibaldi Reds

Congratulations to the Reds for getting over the line. Hopefully we can get our second away win of the season next Sunday.

Best wishes to Jack Colback. You always gave it your best whenever you played. That goal against West Brom was definitely one to remember.

I'm sure there will be other members of the squad moving on before next season starts. That's the way of things.

Bonny Black Hare Day

My post of the 6th was wrong. Just to set the record straight: the police did arrest one of the privilege and inequality protesters. Just the one.

A win and a draw for the Reds, recently. Will we beat Arsenal on Saturday? Will Britain become a republic?
I hope it doesn't go to the wire, away at Palace on the 28th.

I set out to publish a book Short And Curlies, a collection of 'bits' from the aborted (or - more correctly - delayed) This Could Be Our Finest Hour project. Set to come out on the 4th July (it's a Tuesday), it's a small, free collection of short stories (and 'bits'). I thought, with it appearing on Kobo, it might create interest in some of my other books.

Sadly, Kobo doesn't want to show a free book that is available some time in the future, so nobody can actually see it until the 4th July - unless I charge people to buy a free book.
Watch this space for further developments.

Just Stop Roy-Oil

Thousands of people were out on the streets of London today disrupting normal peoples' business, blocking the pavements, waving banners and flags, linking arms and making loud noise, chanting, in a protest for privilege and inequality, and not one of them was arrested by the police. So much for Suella Braverman's new anti-protest law...

Those April Showers

With the end of the football season only four games away, I look at the remaining games and think: It looks tough; how do we get points from these games? But when I look at the four or five teams around us, vying to keep out of the relegation zone - their games look equally tough. So maybe we'll be all right...
Monday's game will point the way.

On the book sales front, April was a good month. I could be in triple figures by the end of next year..
..In ten years time I might even get paid by Kobo.

I'm off to vote tomorrow. I shall be carrying my passport, and will be providing a DNA sample, to prove I am not Boris Johnson or Liz Truss.

Vote for the PPP. You know it makes sense!

Flowers

Gardeners like to grow plants that are hard to grow, are susceptible to pests and disease, and have a short life span. For example:

Daffodils have a yellow flower which makes its appearance in Spring, then withers and dies after a few days. Daffodils are susceptible to bulb rot. Daffodils are the national flower of Wales.
On the other hand...

Dandelions have yellow flowers which make their appearance in Spring, but which continue to flower throughout the year. Dandelions are easy to grow, do not suffer from pests or diseases, and do not require special planting conditions. You can find dandelions growing up through the cracks in the UK's tarmac roads (even on smart motorways). Dandelions are universally hated.

So why do gardeners find daffodils more aesthetically pleasing than dandelions..?

Have you ever drunk Daffodil wine? - it'll kill you.

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills pylons,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden dandelions;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

...dum - de - diddly - dee...

Spring Is Upon Us

It's been two whole months since I last said Woo-hoo! Perhaps Spring has turned people's thoughts to dark, humorous, off-beat and occasionally puerile short stories? A 'sale' in April.

I've been busy with my Devil's Advocate page; some of my more cyncial, reactionary (revolutionary?) thinking.

I'll continue to leave the light, cheery stuff on this Blog page.

Creative Writing

Teachers of Creative Writing often stress the need to begin a story with a sentence that stands out. Commonly used examples of these are taken from Brighton Rock, 1984, The Return of the Native and Noddy Leaves Toytown Ablaze. Teachers of Creative Writing will often provide their pupils with some such sentence as an exercise in producing a short story (or novel).

Your task is to produce a short story (or novel) beginning with the following sentence (please bring your completed work to next week's session):

The Prime Minister certainly knew how to party...

Artificial Intelligence Software

AI software is making the headlines at the moment, what with students using it to pass law exams; a fully functioning set of code being written by an AI bot to allow it to escape into the real world; and at least five 'long lost' Shakespeare plays mysteriously turning up.

I have to say: none of my short stories, or my short novel, were written using Artificial Intellingence writing software; all were produced by a 100% naturally stupid human being (at least, that is what the program told me to say).

Aside from the concern that law students are showing little regard for what is right; a Terminator-type take-over of the world occurring; or the best selling book list being over-whelmed by dewy-eyed romantic novels written by AI bots, there is a real concern if these bots can manage to produce valid photo ids allowing them to vote in UK elections. Democracy out of the window...

Of course, we can stop this now. Stop browsing the internet; turn off your PC/lap-top/tablet/smart phone; disconnect your blue-tooth refrigerator from the network; get your energy provider to remove their smart meter from your home; grow your own vegetables; stop buying unnecessary things for Christmas (presents); wear footwear made from non-man-made materials...

Truth Or Lies

Here's a little stat for you:

If one hundred million refugees seek asylum in the UK by travelling over in inflatable boats at the rate of forty thousand a year...

...it will take them 2,500 years to do this.

Scary..?

Heat Pumps

One summer's day, many years ago when I was still working, I was sat in a sweltering office (OK, so it wasn't as though I was working at a furnace). The windows were wide open but that didn't seem to have any effect. At the end of the day I went to close some of the windows and felt a blast of hot air blowing in through one of them from outside. It was coming from the outflow of an air-conditioning unit that was keeping the office workers in the room upstairs nice and cool...

A Heat Pump is just a fancy name for an air-conditioning unit. To save yourself a lot of money (thousands of pounds) just buy a few air-conditioning units, place them outside your house and run the outflow pipe into your house.

And in the summer, you can reverse their position to keep you cool.

[Next week: How to fit a Wind Turbine on your shed roof - and what to do with dead bats.]

How Do They Do That?

A public house near where I live has a large banner on its outside wall which states: LIVE HORSE RACING HERE. I often wonder How do they do that? Are there tiny two inch tall horses which run a couple of circuits of the bar area? I'm puzzled.

Well, the special offer on my book I, Chimp was a riproaring success - not. Then I remembered I had had the same result for the same offer a year ago. Clearly I must go back to the baseball bat method of persuasion (but without getting arrested this time). You have to be cruel to be kind (honest, officer)...

I gather that the UK's method of keeping Britain's skies safe is for someone to fly up on a hang glider, with a knitting needle. Much cheaper than a Sidewinder missile.
We once had a balloon, with some Chinese writing on it, fly over our back garden. At least, I think it was Chinese writing; it might have said 6.

Pop! ..pssish..

BU22 YSD

Travelling back home on the bus from the beer festival yesterday, I saw my first driverless car. No hands on the steering wheel, his right hand was free to stroke the face of the smartwatch on his left wrist - searching, I thought, for something on the internet, whilst letting the car do the driving. The car, meanwhile, was determined to get in front of the bus at the traffic filter lane just before the traffic lights.
And then I thought: That's not legal in the UK yet, surely?

I await the time when driverless cars will be sent out on the road completely empty of human passengers. (The majority of cars, in my experience, have no passengers, so why not no driver?) Humankind can then experience travel by public transport, stuck in the traffic jams caused by driverless, passengerless cars.

Driverless cars will, of course, be programmed to park on the pavement, to help prevent pedestrians walking on them and scuffing the tarmac or paving with their shoes...

Just A Roll On Your Drum

I did my reading Lord of the Rings at Christmas bit over New Year and into January this (last) year. It never takes me as long to read it (I guess) as some people because I always skip out the poetry bits (what are they all about?): I'm not into poetry - no soul, you see.
And it always surprises me that Gandalf didn't think to call up a couple of Misty Mountain eagles, who could fly them from The Shire to Mount Doom, thus saving them a lot of walking (and people dying, etc.) But, I suppose, that would caused it to be a much shorter book (especially without any of that poetry, too).

And while we are on about plot anomalies, how come Galadriel sorted out a leaving present for all of the Fellowship members but missed out Gimli the dwarf? I would have told her to stuff it, if she had asked me if I wanted anything.
Or asked for something really difficult to get - like a Bosch Universal Aquatak 135 Pressure Washer or something. Stuff your hairs up your jacksy!

This week, I am trying to sort out the anomaly of my book, I, Chimp, having no sales. The book is on special offer. So far, this is having no effect, but optimism is my middle name (although it isn't spelt that way) and I shall see what happens by the end of the week. I have a theory that people are too frightened to read it, because it will make them feel small and incomplete. But - to be honest - I don't think I am going to get very far with that theory.

At least the football front is looking good at the moment (better than it was a couple of months ago). Tough away game on Saturday. (But then they are all tough games.)
(He says, stating the obvious.)

Breaking News: Liz Truss will be taking over management of Leeds United. After fourteen games without a win, she will complain that it wasn't her fault, it was the opposition left wingers that didn't accept her free-scoring/free-market approach to football management.
[This isn't a dig at Leeds Utd btw, I hope they do well - but not too well - over the next few months.]

Woo-hoo! (again)

I told you, '..I remain hopeful..' (see yesterday's post), and it happened: a book sale. Woo-hoo!

Incidentally, I passed the China Panda chinese takeaway last Wednesday. They have put up a smart new sign. (It still says CHIN A PANDA though.) One day I will get around to photographing it.

My book, Tall Short Stories (available from the Kobo Bookstore, price £0.00), is now only #4,105 in the list of SHORT>HUMOROUS books (watch out Stephen King, Enid Blyton and Leo Tolstoy).

Various

I have been known to post thoughts about the Government, which have not particularly kind to them. Today I praise them..

I have to praise them for the £2 bus fares that they have introduced between January and the end of March. It will now only cost me £2 to travel to the nearest A&E department, instead of £5.50, should I need to - in an emergency when there are no ambulances available for 8 hours.

No book sales this month but I remain as hopeful as ever. It is not fame I lust after, just the free Biros. And writing pads.

I have been busy updating the version of Linux on my machine. Not bad for a non-geek (well, partial geek). The last thing that I managed to do - after some trouble - was to set up my ftp details - hence this post.

Music

When I was younger, listening to music, it seemed important that the band you listened to had great instrumentalists - in particular, a great guitarist. Richie Blackmore, Jimmy Page, Jan Akkerman, Michael Schenker...

Of course, (taste in) music is very much a personal thing. No one band (or instrumentalist, or guitarist) is any better than any other; and what you liked three or four years ago may seem stilted and out-of-date now (unless, like me, you still listen to Richie, Jimmy, Jan and Michael - but then I'm an old dinosaur).

This last week there was much mention of Jeff Beck; and how he was the best guitarist ever. Now I'm not here to dispute that, but I have to say, I have one album (vinyl) of Jeff Beck's and, whilst the guitar playing is of an excellent quality, the album doesn't excite me anywhere as much as.. Houses of the Holy (to give an example).

This is just a matter of taste; it is not a critism.

Incidentally, my own guitar playing is just as non-linear as Jeff Beck's was - albeit, he was playing that way with intent; I am just hitting the wrong notes.

I Remember

I remember coming up with a theory, that if you spent more time remembering back at things than looking forward to things it is a sign that you were becoming old. This theory, I may have come upon when I used to visit my grandmother and she would talk about days long gone by.

My grandmother is long dead, and I'm sitting here remembering some of the things she told me, and when I meet up with my brother and sisters it seems we spend most of our time remembering things past. I can't remember when this started, but I guess, when it did, we had all become old, too.

There have been no book sales, so far, in January, but I am, as ever, hopeful. I am considering working on a full-blown novel next. This will take up quite a bit of my time over the next year or two. Watch this space. Or don't. Or just listen...

I did consider the possibility of using some of my memories in this full-blown novel, but the problem I have is that my memory is of small things, not of the bigger picture. For example, I can remember causing fights between red ants and black ants, but I can't remember the names of the next-door neighbours (my brother and sisters can). And I can remember shitting my pants on holiday on a farm in the Lake District, because I was too frightened to walk through the cow shed to get to the toilet. How is that memory going to help me with my novel?

Perhaps I could write a novel about shitting my pants?

À la recherche du sous-vêtements souillés .

It's something to look forward to, anyway.

News From The New Year

I am waiting for news of a book sale in January. December wasn't a total wash-out (Woo-hoo!). I have added a train shed roof photo (Den Bosch) to my collection here. I do hope you won't be too overcome by excitement.

I spent some time unsuccessfully searching for an unfriendly Dutch man (or woman) recently. I suspect that they have been hidden away, somewhere deep in the interior of the Netherlands (in a village called Mopperigdorf), scowling furiously through the windows at the flowers and the sun...
...anyway, I could only find friendly Dutch people. Why is that? Answers on a post card please.

News that Giant Pandas Yuan Yuan and Tian Tian are being returned to China from Edinburgh Zoo hasn't dampened my enthusiasm for my story Chin A Panda, which is undoubtedly one of the finest short stories ever written. If you don't believe me, read it here.

Of course, you mustn't believe everything you read here...

Global Warming (Part Three)

Bats!

Have you ever walked round the base of a wind turbine? The ground is soft with the littered bodies of bats. The same thing happened in the Netherlands in the 17th century when there was a mass building of windmills to drain the fens. Bat numbers dropped dramatically (in some cases literally - flitter, whirl, squeak!, thud, plop).

With today's technology a tiny pipistelle is no match for a giant high-speed carbon-boron turbine blade. Just think when you get your next electric bill..

..just think about your bat footprint.

Global Warming (Part Two)

News about the recent breakthrough in Nuclear Fusion, where scientists have apparently achieved an aim of producing more energy output than energy input - albeit at a massive cost financially, got me thinking about this matter.
It seems to me that they could achieve their aims, in a much cheaper and easier manner, by having a giant ball of hydrogen gas, preferably somewhere not too far away in space, which through gravity would compress itself and perform nuclear fusion without the need of expensive equipment.
They could capture the energy produced from this giant ball of hydrogen, here on Earth, by means of photovoltaic cells. They could call the giant ball of hydrogen the Sun or something...

...oh, it's already been done.

NASA Orion Splash-down

You can check the Nasa website if you don't believe me, but there were three crash dummies loaded onto the Orion spacecraft 26 days ago; only two crash dummies were removed after splash-down today.
Where has the third one gone?

Did he (or she) get left behind (on the Moon?) or has it been abducted by an alien intelligence? Is Nasa checking the other two crash dummies for a plastic alien in their plastic chest cavities?
These are things we need to know.

It has been a momentous time for crash dummies. Those waiting behind the wheel of a vehicle at one of the many impact-testing centres around the world will experience a tightening feeling of pride in their chest (just a few moments before their vehicle slams into a wall and the steering wheel goes through their chest).
Hurrah for Crash Dummies!! A giant step leap...

Global Warming

One of the biggest myths regarding Global Warming is that the switch from petrol (gasoline) to electric cars will save the planet. In reality, people should be switching from petrol cars to rowing boats. A rise in the level of the oceans will surely see this become a necessity.

Stilts might also be required. Tall ones.

Coal mines should also be reopened to allow for the disposal of millions of unwanted Christmas trees after the festive period. This will ensure that the carbon held in those trees will be converted back to coal by compression, and future generations, of whatever species of animal that is around in a few million years time, can make the same mistake as we did by digging it up and burning it.

The other way of saving the planet is to stop reading this and turn off all of your electricity-using devices - including your PC/laptop/tablet/smart phone. It makes sense...

..crackle..

Pavements

Round where I live the pavements are so full of pot-holes, and have large patches of crumbling tarmac and gravel, it must put off car drivers a little from parking on them...
I have given up trying to walk on the pavement, I walk in the middle of the road. There are no cars parked in the middle of the road.

Just a thought, but will we be talking about gun control and abortion rights during the 2026 World Cup?

I'm happy to report that I 'sold' a copy of War And Peace the other day. This is the book Leo Tolstoy would have written if he had been pushed for time (he needed to get his washing in before it started snowing or something).
At this rate I will become an international best-selling author before you can say "Tom Hanks". Or something quite a bit longer.

Apparently, with the changes to the UK tax bands affecting people on higher incomes, some people are going to have to choose between Harrow and Eton. Things are tight.
I predict I will actually be paying a very small amount of Income Tax next year (unless my book sales rocket). If you would prefer me to pay a much larger amount of Income Tax then buy one of my books (one of the not-free ones). Go on. Punish me...

Driverless Cars (and other thoughts)

Every so often the security systems of one of the webpages I use asks me to confirm that I am not a bot. A grid of small photographs appear from which I am asked to select those that are a fire hydrant, a cupcake or a motorbike. Sometimes it is difficult to see the bridge or motorbike, but I select the images that my failing eyes think are the ones required and the system lets me in.
Today I thought I would experiment. Today I was asked to identify pictures of mountains, so I selected a motorbike, a fire hydrant, a giraffe, two zebras and a cup cake (it might have been a sponge) - and the system let me in.
Apparently, a mountain was hiding behind all of them.

There is so much talk and excitement about driverless cars. However, at the bus stop the other day, in the space of three minutes, I counted 17 cars with no passengers and only 2 cars with passengers. We should be talking excitedly about getting rid of passengerless cars.

I picked up (and paid for) some Ordnance Survey maps from a charity shop the other day. Five maps to add to my collection. Amazingly (although you might not think so) I had connection to places on three of the maps: one was where my mother was born, one was where my uncle lived and one was where I had digs for a short while.
It's a small world...

Talking of small worlds, the world's population reached 8 billion recently. When I was born, it was only 3 billion.
The increase was nothing to do with me, though...

Just think of all the billions of passengers we could fit into those passengerless cars.

November News

Putting the World to rights:
I bought a take-away coffee at a railway station the other day. The lid didn't fit the cup. On doing some digging into this, later, I found out the reason.
The cardboard cup is made in Chew Valley, Somerset, and the factory has taken Jacob Rees-Mogg's convictions to heart by manufacturing the cup using imperial measurements. The plastic lid remains a product of Cork, Eire, and is consequently metric in size.
Controlling what coffee we can spill - the Brexit way...

Football:
A couple of good games recently, where we played well. One resulted in a win; the other was not quite a win - I fail to see why a heavy push is not a penalty, whereas a brushed finger tip is. Under VAR, too.
If we keep playing the way we did for those two games we might start to move up the table (when the season re-starts in December). Onwards and upwards.

Book sales:
I am still waiting for Russell Crowe to buy a copy of One Hundred And One Strange Stories (see 09/10/2022 entry). I know he is a busy man, and a little shy...
...Tom Hanks is a raging extrovert, and not particularly busy at the moment, and he hasn't bought I, Chimp (even though there is a typewriter in the story). Is there anything we can draw from this..?

Anyone having doubts about the veracity of any of the above, please refer to my Fake News post here. These post are 100% genuine.

Get Me Out Of Here...

Given the choice of having nasty creepy-crawlies in your ear or sitting on the benches, listening to your own backbenchers (Peter Bone, Mark Francois, etc) drone on about patriotism and Brexit, I - too - would quickly reach for that tasty cockroach.
Matt Hancock chose right - this time - I think.

In fact, why don't all the Tory MPs fly off to Australia and spend some time acquainting themselves with a koala bear's testicles? I'm sure the country could get on perfectly well without them.

Of course, as I have said before, I will be voting for the Don't Know Party in the next election...

A sure sign that old age is setting in: it is taking longer for me to take my pills, at night before I go to bed, than it is for me to brush my teeth.

...I still have my teeth (most of them).

Sunday's Match

To paraphrase (or use) Saveena Johal's (of Punjabi Forest) comments from last week (see below):

..I can confidently say it was a deserved result..

..I was unable to pick a single man of the match..

Back to the drawing board...

Beer

No, this is actually about football (and other things)...

What a brilliant win on Saturday. I think Saveena Johal of Punjabi Forest got it right when he said (on the BBC Forest webpages):

..Forest rose to the occasion, removing the despondency of previous months. For all of Liverpool’s excuses and lack of credit to us, we can confidently say it was a deserved win..

..A strong defensive set-up and dangerous counter-attack saw a squad rebirth emerge in the most exciting performance of the season so far. Many of us were unable to pick a single man of the match..

Now all we need to do is beat those other 'Reds' (it's the shirt thing again) at the Emirates Stadium on Sunday... Top v Bottom - here's hoping.

I've been looking at the non-activity on my Kobo dashboard. It is perhaps time I did some more active promoting. This could mean dressing up in a chimp costume (I, Chimp) or picking a fight with a giant panda (Chin A Panda) - or, if you don't wish to see violence towards furry animals, you could always download a copy of Tall Short Stories. It's free and has been given five stars by at least two people.
Download it and give it six stars (that'll take the smile off of Stephen King's face).

I have just finished reading Dave Pegg's book, Off The Pegg. It is a fantastic book; well worth digging out and buying. It gave me some thoughts about Cropredy, which I have detailed here.

Football

Best of luck to the Reds tomorrow afternoon (the original Reds, not the Reds who we helped out by giving them some shirts). COYRs!

Even if we get relegated this season it will have been worth it, just to bring the Scousers to the City Ground. Fond memories of some past battles.

Rivals but not enemies...

Politics

Isn't it about time that the Tory party resolved itself into three separate parties? A far-right, hate Europe and (poor) foreigners party; a low-tax for the rich, trickled-down, not-so-far-right party; and a relatively moderate party, containing MPs who-previously-were-expelled-from-the-party-by-Boris party?

They could then fight it out amongst themselves at the ballot box, rather than whilst in power and inflicting damage on the country.
Just a thought.

I just have the feeling that, after twelve years of austerity - to help balance the books and get Britain back on its feet - we are going to require even more austerity, because the books aren't balanced and Britain isn't back on its feet.

I shall - of course - be voting for the Don't Know Party, should a General Election crop up anytime soon.
The Don't Knows to win by a landslide.

Horror

Over the years I have been frightened by horror films, horror on the television (Mystery and Imagination) and horror stories, but the thing that frightened me the most was Miss. Beasley, the head mistress at my infants school. Specifically when she sat on the same table at dinner time.

Nearly sixty years later, I still break out in a sweat when I frantically search my dinner plate for any stray garden peas.

"Eat up all of your peas," she would say, "or I'll pull your belly button out!"

(I might have imagined the belly button bit - I was only six.)

I have been listening to the football, and not much seems to be going right at the moment. Perhaps it is time for me to watch I Believe In Miracles again? It worked last season.

Talking of miracles, I am planning a stunt that may extend my book readership to the Antarctic. Watch this space (but don't overdo it, it might give you eye strain).

Robin Hood

I am waiting for Russell Crowe to get in touch. He doesn't have to contribute any money, as he did recently to a bookshop in Norwich, it would just be nice if he bought one of my books... perhaps the one for £5 or one for £1.99, or even just one of the free ones would be nice.
Over to you, Russ.

Tom Hanks hasn't overcome his shyness yet; he hasn't purchased my I, Chimp novel yet - even though I've pointed out it involves a typewriter in the story-line. He could be busy, though...

I could fill these pages with a long list of film stars and other celebrities who haven't purchased and read any of my books. I was going to name and shame the acclaimed scientist Jacob Bronowski in that list, but I found out that he died in 1974, so that wouldn't have been fair, would it? And David Niven died in 1983, so I've had to cross him off my list, too.

..in fact, when I come to think, Orson Welles might not be in the land of the living either. And he and Russell Crowe look so alike - it's uncanny.
I might have to rip this list up.

Anyway, Russell, if you are reading this don't worry about buying any of my books; I understand. (Loved you in Prince of Thieves, btw)

Early October News

I have updated my I, Chimp book with some additional material. Hopefully it has been uploaded OK to the Kobo bookstore correctly (I was having problems with the EPUB conversion process - either a problem with Calibre software or - more likely - LibreOffice Writer). I shall have to 'get my head round it' before I have any further problems. At some point before May next year I am going to have to 'get my head around' updating my Linux OS too.

The UK Government has performed a U-turn. I cannot perform a U-turn; I am on track and am unable to steer this bloody thing. Life.

I've added some more photographs to my PHOTOGRAPHS page (where else?). My next project will be a photographs page with the theme WATER.

Yes, I know, this has been a pitiable piece of 'news'. But at least you got a new picture...

RIP Pete G

I have very many fond memories of Pete G, one of my former bosses, who died on Friday.

Cheers, Pete!

NASA's Dart Mission

Still on the subject of space, with the recent news about NASA's Dart spacecraft colliding with the Dimorphos asteroid, its aim to determine whether we can deflect giant, life-threatening chunks of rock and so save humankind from annihilation; I wonder: why bother?

Why not let some other creature have its chance to multiply and over-run the world? Perhaps the octopus (highly intelligent - apparently; hasn't invented the internal combustion engine, so doesn't appear to want to destroy the environment).

Yes, the octopus - or the stork (eats fish; doesn't create plastic waste).

But, seriously, the octopus would make an ideal candidate for a world dominant species, and they could very well be more successful in space (smaller bodies, so smaller spacecraft; less prone to bone loss; probably better adapted to a zero gravity environment).

And they probably would play better table tennis than humans (although world domination and table tennis do not necessarily go together - or do they?)

21 - 0

Across The Vast Distances Of Space (Woo-Hoo!)

Scientists wait patiently for their highly sensitive equipment, deep underground in a former coal mine, to pick up the rare passing of a strange, weak sub-atomic particle, to prove that the Universe is out there.

In a similar manner, I log into my Kobo Bookstore dashboard to see if any rare instances of book sales have occurred; proof that there is a book-buying public out there. Yesterday, a sale appeared on the screen - from Canada. Canada exists; and so does its book-buying public.

All I need now is proof that America exists, and France, and German, the Netherlands...

"Woo-Hoo!" I say, and pass out the cigars and champagne (British, in plastic bottles) and cheese and onion cobs.

Autumnal News

I have found another website, Gyan Books, that seems to be selling one of my ebooks without my permission. In this instance it appears to be a more genuine site, rather than the dodgy fake one I found towards the end of August (see Thrive Bookstore post below). They are pricing this book, Crime, at 8.57 US Dollars. Criminal!
This particular book is one of my free ones - 'buy' it from the Kobo Bookstore, at no cost to yourselves, instead.

Incidentally, the book, Crime, is big in Japan. When I say big, I am talking in a relative manner - it has 'sold' as many copies in Japan as it has in the rest of the world combined. [Clue: more than the fingers of one hand but not more than the fingers of both hands.]

You can also obtain this particular story for free in my free collection: Tall Short Stories, which includes a further thirteen free short stories. Or you could pay for the story in One Hundred And One Strange Stories at only 5 GBP. To be fair, the £5 also entitles you to read a hundred other stories, which isn't bad, is it?

Going Cap In Hand To The Bankers

And, while I'm in such a cheerful mood, I will let you into a little secret, Liz:

Money doesn't trickle down from the rich to the poor; it streams up from the poor to the rich.

The Long And The Short Of It

Many different people have defined a short story in many ways. All agree that 'short' is key. So why is it (I'm back on that subject again) that when I look at the Kobo Bookstore site under Literature > Short Stories, I find Prince Of Thorns (The Broken Empire), a novel of 82 thousand words, and many other books of similar length..? It is not a f#####g short story, it is a full length novel! At least, I suppose, they haven't still got The Lord Of The Rings in there.

Rise up, short story writers! Rise up and stab these long-winded novelist b#####ds in the eye with a sharp HB pencil. Keep off our patch!

Come the revolution...

I Want The World Back!

For the last few days I have been avoiding watching the television. Where necessary, I have watched ten year old editions of Dickinson's Real Deal on the Yesterday channel. The World, it seems no longer exists: wars have ended; floods and famine have ceased; no one in Parliament is dealing with the food and energy crisis in the UK because it doesn't matter anymore; politicians have stopped breaking laws, taking drugs and having illegal parties; t.v. presenters have only one topic of conversation...

...I can't even read my daily newspaper because it is full of nothingness.

Please - can I have the world back?

While this void in life and the news continues (for several days more, it seems - I have had a dentist appointment cancelled because of it) I have added a few more photographs to my pages. See if you can find them. [Clue: they might be on the PHOTOGRAPHS pages]

1865

I have just finished reading Duncan Hamilton's Provided You Don't Kiss Me: 20 Years With Brian Clough, which I recommend everyone read. This book is so good I might consider re-reading it in French too: A condition de ne pas m'embrasser: 20 ans avec Brian Clough.

Je viens de terminer la lecture de Duncan Hamilton Pourvu que tu ne m'embrasses pas : 20 ans avec Brian Clough, que je recommande à tout le monde de lire. Ce livre est tellement bon que je pourrais envisager de le relire en allemand aussi : Vorausgesetzt, du küsst mich nicht: 20 Jahre mit Brian Clough.

...or maybe not.

Good Times, Bad Times

Around this time of the year, some years back, I would have been away on a regular annual trip to the Ardnish Peninsula. Walking, beer, sand, wine, midges, whisky and the wonderful bothy at Peanmeanach. Fond memories of Scotland. Sadly it was on one occasion at this time that we heard the news about Curly.

On the football front, it is not particularly good - if not unexpected - news. One win, a draw and three defeats isn't a good start, but it is far better than where we were this time last year (before that incredible run). There is some cause for optimism. We shall see...

One of my short stories is up on the Seattle Star website. This is all part of my plan for world domination. So far it is failing miserably. It is almost six years since I started trying to sell my first book. I take comfort from the fact that the likes of Kurt Vonnegut and Graham Greene took many more years before their careers really kicked off. Although I shall probably dead by that time. Still...

...fame doesn't feed anyone; just their vanity. Fortunately, my vanity is a small skinny little thing. I prefer a cheese and onion cob, with a bag of plain crisps.

That has just made my tummy rumble.

Important News

It does appear that Thrive Bookstore is a dodgy website (see previous post), offering ebooks for sale that they don't have any right to sell.

To buy my books, or download any of my free books, use the Kobo Bookstore:
https://www.kobo.com/en/search?query=peter%20coomber&fcsearchfield=Author

End Of August News

The other day I found a website, calling itself Thrive Bookstore, which appears to be selling some of my books. Payment is made through PenPal, not via plastic, and some of the links (for example F.A.Q.) do not actually link to anything. Also they have misspelled SUMBIT on a SUBMIT button, so I am a little suspicious of this site.
I am particularly suspicious because they are offering my books at sale price, reduced from a price that bears no relationship to the actual price I am selling them at. For example, my free book, Tall Short Stories, has apparently been reduced from $12 to $1 - a free book...

I am currently investigating this with Kobo. If you intend buying (or downloading for free) any of my books, use the Kobo Bookstore not Thrive Bookstore.

I am currently trying to encourage people in the Antarctic (specifically, the British Antarctic Survey) to buy (or download for free) my books. I have assured them that the stories will help keep them sane during the long, dark winter months. They appear to be based in Cambridge in England, which I am not sure is too near the South Pole. Perhaps that part of England broke away and floated southwards..?

...At least the BAS website knows how to spell SUBMIT (I give up).

That's all the news for August - unless something exciting happens or I am attacked by a polar bear or some penguins (aagh!).

School's Out For Summer

Recent news items about the cost of school uniforms, and the impact it has on (top of) the current cost of living crisis, brought back memories of my own school years. I had a new school blazer for the senior school but other elements of my clothing were hand-me-downs from my older brother. His grey shirts had been washed that many times (seven years prior) that they were a pale shade of purple.

One morning, on leaving school assembly, I was collared (literally) by the Deputy Head, who dragged me off towards a window so he could inspect my shirt in the light.
"This shirt is purple!" he said - probably thinking I was infiltrating the school with some trendy, modern pop-art clothing.
"No it's not, sir, it's grey!" I replied. "It's my brother's old school shirt." So, as he had probably taught my brother, he let me go.

It was a good job he didn't check my underpants.

Come to think of it, I still wear my brother's old cagoule - which must be over fifty years old now. It still lets water in (time hasn't improved it), but it and my forty year old Mountain Equipment Ultrafleece jacket still get used on walks (when I'm feeling sentimental).

I have worked out that my book Tall Short Stories, at its present rate of 'sales', will become a best seller by the year 6188. It already is an international seller (translated into English in nine countries). Feel free to download it and sample my short stories. It's free. On the Kobo bookstore here.

The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe

I was watching the box set of The Chronicles of Narnia the other week, starring Vin Diesel, when I was seized upon by a thought about the title of the book: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe. We read (or did read when we were oh-so-much younger) about silly old Aslan and the silly old White Witch, but what about the wardrobe? Hardly anything is mentioned!

We are treated to talking beavers, and a talking lion and a witch, but what about talking sideboards? Why do they not appear in the Chronicles? I think the book should be renamed - for clarity - The Lion And The Witch.

Or The Lion, The Witch And The Talking Beavers?

And the book should have a sticker on it, saying: WARNING: A MAGICAL WARDROBE ONLY APPEARS BRIEFLY IN THIS BOOK.

Happy news on the football front. A good result; let's hope there are more to come. Happiness is also a book 'sold' (Tall Short Stories). OK, so no money changed hands but a little bit of cheerfulness did (to me, anyway). Woo-Hoo! (as they say in literary circles).

Fake News

To anyone who has a few doubts about my integrity, based on a number of seemingly spurious 'facts' that appear on these pages, I can only hold up my hand (my left hand - I lost my right one in an incident with a polar bear) and say: "Yes, not everything I set down here is strictly true. I have been known to stretch a few things."

In order to help you determine which facts are facts and which 'facts' are not, I offer this advice: If something seems honest and reasonable, then it is an outrageous lie; if it seems like an outrageous lie then it is almost certainly true.

And, yes, Graham Greene didn't sell cauliflowers at Berkhamsted market for eleven years. It was parsnips...

Book Sales

Having done my usual daily log into my KOBO account, and finding my usual daily stats of no sales, I have my usual daily thoughts about why I still carry on, hoping for some sort of break-through (a couple of sales, maybe?). The answer is:

Graham Greene only sold about 1,500 copies of each of his early novels when he first started out, and had to supplement his income (to support a wife and three kids) by selling vegetables at Berkhamsted market. Greene's Greens was a chalked sign often seen by the side of his barrow on a Friday morning. Eleven years of selling cauliflowers until Brighton Rock hit the best seller list - no wonder he remained a dour, cheerless writer.

I remain cheerful though. A pound of strawberries, anyone? Or an e-book?

The football season is a marathon not a sprint, it is often said. Hopefully somewhere during this marathon we will get a meaningful shot on goal. I remain cheerful.

It is a sunny day, the weather is not too hot nor too cold. Millions starve in war-torn countries; energy prices have increased beyond the means of some people to pay them; meaningless, sad deaths occur on a regular basis - even in so-called 'civilised' countries. But I remain cheerful.

Here We Go!

COYRs!

August Thoughts

Only four more days until the football season starts and I am wondering what sort of season we will have. Last year we bought a goalkeeper and a midfielder and - once we'd got past a run of seven games for only one point - had a phenomenal season.
This season we've got not one, but two goalkeepers, a bus-load of defenders, a striker and a couple of midfielders, and I wonder whether they'll know who is on our side (ah, yes, the red shirts).
It'll be exciting, no doubt.

I make no predictions for this season, but we will beat Malmo in the final the following season. (Ha-ha!)

As I sit looking out of the back window I note that the large flock of starlings (all this year's young birds) perched on the t.v. aerial over the way are all facing the same direction. This is so they can take off into the wind. And I remember seeing the same phenomena (that word again) with sheep inside Avebury stone circle.
Do sheep take off into the wind?

On the subject of books (?), my frantic emailing, to get my book reviewed, hasn't achieved anything (not even a grumble). I shall keep (being) trying. Somebody will break down. The Buenos Aires Telegraph - you're next.

Estimado señor,
por favor encuentre adjunto una copia de mi libro...

Even Briefer

...in fact on practically all of my PHOTOGRAPHS pages.

Brief Bit

I've added to my PHOTOGRAPHS pages, on ROCKS and REFLECTIONS.

Towards The End Of July News

Well my Seattle Star story lasted all of a week (I told you they'd get bored). A rather fine story by Jimmy R Coleman has taken its place. Use the Seattle Star link below in the previous post to read his story.

In readiness for the new football season, I am reading Peter Shilton's The Autobiography. I am not sure whether I have the same (prescient) expectations this season as I did at the beginning of last season, although the excitement level is probably higher (as is the Division). This excitement is somewhat dampened by less games during the season and matches that are at silly (t.v.) times and days. I was briefly tempted to have Sky Sports but this goes against my non-fat-capitalist-b@st@rds tendencies, so I'll continue to pay for my exorbitant 50p-a-day TV Licence, rather than a reasonable £51, or whatever it is, a month for Sky. And listen to the matches on the radio.

A question about the Tory Party (oh no! not again!): If the Conservatives hate government so much (preferring a free-for-all), why are they so keen to stay in it?

I must stop banging on about the lovely Tories...

...it's hard...

...it really is.

Ha-hem! No news about e-book sales to bore you with but, don't forget, it is only one hundred and fifty-one days to Christmas, and if you are looking for something to get for that person who has got everything don't forget to look at the Kobo Bookstore for my e-books (something that the person who has got everything hasn't got).

The Girl With The Terrapin In Her Handbag

For my sins, I have had another story published on the Seattle Star website. More of a joke than a story (there is a punchline at the end). At some point the people of Seattle are going to get bored with me. (Maybe that point has been reached?)

I am currently engaged in writing a novel called The Girl With A Terrapin In Her Handbag (this may not be a true fact), which brought to mind how I once ended up with one of these creatures.

Many years ago (once upon a time...) I was taken into town by my Mum and one of my sisters, and at some point we arrived at a pet shop (this may have been planned on my mother's part). After looking at the various pets (budgies, hamsters, rabbits) we stood near the counter and my mother said: "Would you like one of those?"

My eyes were focussed on a small plastic crocodile, and I remember thinking this is strange but, as a child, in those days ever willing to possess more and more goods, I said: 'Yes'.

That is how I ended up with a terrapin...

I do not recommend owning a terrapin. They swim about in shallow water for a short while, then die. And when a replacement terrapin is obtained, it too swims briefly and dies.

I do not think a child should own a terrapin. I do not think anyone should own a terrapin. Terrapins should own themselves: swimming free in shallow lakes and rivers.

The same goes for budgies, hamsters and rabbits (not the shallow lakes and rivers bit).

It has occurred to me that, if I was to put as much effort into writing a book - such as The Girl With The Terrapin In Her Handbag - as I did with these silly thoughts on this 'Blog' page, I might end up with a reasonable number of words (not necessarily a number of reasonable words, but that is another matter).

Watch this space...

Of course, Windy Miller, being a wooden puppet, is actually unable to read a book, so this advertisement is totally misleading - like those ones that claim "..is clinical proven.." (by an actor dressed in a white lab coat and solid, mature, non-trendy spectacles). So, no: Windy Miller hasn't read One Hundred And One Strange Stories.
No, his mate, Sooty, read it to him.

Mid July Update

I've added a few more photographs here and here. I'm sure you will be keen to view them if a photograph of my bunioned feet and some photos of train shed roofs or railway architecture is your 'thing'.

Setting Out My Case For Leadership

Cut taxes; reduce public services; close food banks (giving food away for free is very unproductive, unprofitable, and affects share prices); open free ports; close borders; stop protesters; start sending people to Rwanda (it's a really nice place - my cousin Nigel went there during lock-down, shooting leopards and gorillas); give the police more powers; deregulate everything else (especially all regulations that came from Europe); call sprouts sprouts (not Brussels); BRING BACK THE FARTHING (look what happened after Harold Wilson got rid of it: John Lennon, Ringo Starr, the Swinging Sixies, decadence); bring back hunting; sell British champagne in plastic bottles... more plastic bottles... fracking...

Of course, you don't have to vote for me if you don't want to.

Don't forget, you can buy all of my e-books from the Kobo Bookstore. Perfect for that summer read on the beach in Spain or Greece (or wherever). Not so good for the beaches on Antarctica, but if you want to read any of them there, please feel free (I've been trying to increase my sales in the Antarctic).

I've added some photographs of train shed roofs here. I am sure I have some more, somewhere. I will dig them out and post them at a later date (unless, of course I build myself a time machine and go back in time and post them at an earlier date).

Boris The Spider

Oh, he's going. Well, you read it here first. I'm not going to gloat. Seriously. I just feel sorry for the poor b*st*rds who have to re-paper the flat above Number 11. Personally, I would strip it all off and paint the bare walls with off-white emulsion. £17 a tin; no need to get someone exceedingly rich to donate funds to pay for it.

I added a tenth review to my Nine Reviews piece on the OTHER STUFF pages. It is my way of levelling up.

Sorry to see Brice Samba go, but these things happen: you follow a football team, only to find that half-way through the season two or three of them have left and two or three new faces have come in.
I have fond memories of the classic mid/late-eighties team, containing Johnnie Metgod, Franz Carr, Gary Birtles, Neil Webb, Steve Hodge, Nigel Clough, Des Walker and Stuart Pearce - but when I look at the old stats I find that perhaps they didn't all appear on the same pitch at the same time (the last five probably did). If you don't follow what I mean, then I'm not sure I do either...
...well I do understand what I mean, but explaining it is another matter.

I have been pushing my book on a number of unsuspecting people; trying to get it reviewed (a very unlikely event). As Boris said yesterday: '..when the going gets tough, the author with an almost zero readership carries on with the job, to get things done..'. Er, no, I've just made that up. He never said that.
Anyway, I shall carry on pestering people for a short while longer - until I give up. You have been warned.

It Just Gets Better...

I'm sorry to keep going on about the current governing party but - why are they so stupid?
Jacob Rees-Mogg suggests that (as a benefit of Brexit) by removing some of the former EU regulations the UK could sell champagne in plastic bottles. He clearly has his finger on the pulse: just what the world needs - more plastic waste...

I'm getting excited about the new football season (I know, I know - it's only the first week in July). One thing I am not sure I understand though is our team's need to buy/loan in so many goalkeepers - unless we are playing a 4-4-1 formation with two goalkeepers in the net at the same time? 8P

My mini-novel, I, Chimp, should be available to read for free from the OverDrive library. As mentioned before, the nearest library that appears to use OverDrive is in New York. Don't forget to take your library card with you on the plane.

...I shall go and have a lie down and try to think of something nice to say about the current Government. I may be gone for some while.

Free Stuff

Yet another request for a Kobo Promotion turned down. I wonder why I bother. It's that optimistic bit of nature that lurks in my body. I shall carry on, trying to sell my books - and boring you about it.

Interested in a story? Or more correctly, une histoire? Try here.

Boris, that much maligned Prime Minister of ours (not that I voted for him), says we aught to have more women leaders to prevent wars through 'toxic masculinity' (something I can't disagree with). I guess he is thinking of moving aside to let Priti Patel lead...

The 'Free Stuff' title was there just to grab your attention. Nothing is free on these pages; all is paid for by advertising.

June Is Busting Up With Rover

Anybody with the slightest bit of interest in my view of women authors can find it here.

I am continuing to 'push' my One Hundred And One Strange Stories book, in an attempt to get people to buy it. If you are the recipient of an email, don't be angry; it is just the same as someone in the street shouting "Big Issue" (even our so-called 'royalty' has got in on that act). I am always polite and say "No thanks." (to the Big Issue sellers, not to 'royalty').

I am back on the push bike again! Back to riding the leafy lanes, hoping to lose a few pounds (stones?) Ah! The wind through my hair (and that is even before I have got on my bike).

Global Warming

I see the Government has a cunning plan to disuade traffickers from selling rubber dingies to groups of people for hundreds of thousands of euros (per group). Their secret plan is to make the English Channel wider. Through global warming. I, myself, am guilty of assisting them in their plan, as I left the microwave door ajar overnight and the small interior light bulb must have raise the temperature of the kitchen by several degrees. Not good when there is a heat wave going on...

...Which brings me to a story - a thing that happened while I was still working, several years ago.

On a particularly hot summer's day, the temperature in the office where I worked soared, so some of the people opened windows to let some air in. Towards the end of the day I went to close one of these windows and was astounded by the heat blast. Then I realised: there was an air-conditioning unit for the offices in the floor above, just outside of that window, throwing the office above's hot air out, through the window and into our office.

So much for opening the window.

This may go to show that heat pumps (which are, after all, a reverse air conditioning unit) might not be an answer to global warming.

Jurassic Carp

I am currently in the process of writing a story about a scientist who obtains a DNA sample of Richard Attenborough and, by inserting it into the genome of a Lipstick Dart Frog, recreates the actor as Pinkie from Brighton Rock. This story, I think, has got legs (there's a millipede called Graham in the story somewhere)...

The sale of my book, One Hundred And One Strange Stories, had a meteoric journey down the ratings on the Kobo Bookstore. Number #27 in Fiction > Short Stories for a brief while, it tumbled down to #54, slipped to #297, then #729 and now it is settled down to Earth at #11,529. A little piece of meteorite dust lost in someone's back garden (just underneath a weedy Osmunda claytoniana). Still, it lit up my sky for a short while. 8)

I see Boris is trying to be radical by attempting to sell off any remaining social housing stock. And further, to people who are on 'benefits'. I can see that working: you get a mortgage and then three months down the line the 'social' stop your benefits because your assets are over the accepted limits, you lose your house and are made homeless, and a private landlord, under buy to let, snaps up your property on the cheap at auction. Perhaps Boris ought to do something really radical and allow renters to buy their accommodation at reduced rates from private landlords?

But enough of politics, I had better get back to my Pinkie story, Jurassic Carp.

Another Broken New Year's Resolution

It probably wasn't this year, but in one of the years past, when I made a resolution not to say "Woo-Hoo!" when I had sold a book. The 'sale', in fact, being a download of one of my free books. But today I can say "WOO-HOO!!" because of an actual sale yesterday. One Hundred And One Strange Stories has been out for 33 days and someone has bought a copy.

Only another few tens of thousand copies to sell before it makes the best seller list. (This could take a few centuries.)

But I shall not be letting this fame go to my head; I shall still be writing crappy posts, like this, for people not to read.

I'd like to thank the person, whoever bought the book, and hope that they enjoy it. And if they don't enjoy it, I hope the loss of £5 won't be too disappointing to them.

Woo-hoo!

Into OverDrive

My books are available from the Kobo Bookstore and from a number of affiliated sites. But if you don't feel like spending a lot of money (£1.99, I know - it's expensive) then you could always borrow the books (some of them) from a library.

Libraries are free.

You can borrow (some of) the books using OverDrive. All you need to do is search for my books and then find the nearest library to you that uses OverDrive.

The nearest library that appears to use OverDrive is in New York. Best of luck with catching a plane there to get yourself a library ticket...

On second thoughts it might be cheaper to buy the book.

Dreams

So my post of the 8th August wasn't just wishful thinking, although seven games down the line I was beginning to have a few little doubts. All's well that ends well. On this basis they ought to play Everton away in their first game next season and finish off the season above Liverpool...

...and beat Malmo the season aferwards.

Well done, the Garibaldi Reds!

Boris Johnson Mendax

Need I say more..?

Thoughts For The Week

On the football front (again), I spent an enjoyable couple of hours in a very partisan pub, watching us absolutely trash the Blades on their ground (only for them to get a late goal back). The return fixture was more frustrating, as I only had access to the BBC 'live text' (which is no substitute for live or t.v. or radio), and by all accounts they were battering us at home. But we held on for a 3-3 aggregate after extra time and we won on penalties (well done, Brice).

Tough on the Blades - they are a good team and they played as well in the second leg as we did in the first leg. Tough to lose on penalties but that's the way it goes. Now we have to get passed Huddersfield - which could be equally as tough.

No sales of One Hundred And One Strange Stories yet but Tall Short Stories was picked up by someone in America a few days ago. Possibly it was Steven King; trying to get a few ideas...

The Bonny Black Hare

On the fourteenth of May at the dawn of the day.. OK, so I'm a day early for that great song, but my ramrod is limp and I cannot fire on. It happens.

I'm looking forward to the big match tomorrow. If we play as well as we did that night in March then we should have a good chance of taking a win from the first leg. It'll be a tough game though. Fingers crossed.

Despite some encouraging signs prior to the publication date there have been no sales of ONE HUNDRED AND ONE STRANGE STORIES yet. I am still sending out telepathic signals of: BUY THIS BOOK. If you find you have a slight migraine, then it could be my telepathy. The only way to cure that headache is to: BUY THIS BOOK. Better than an aspirin.

The alternative to BUYING THIS BOOK is to get it from your local library. If they haven't got a copy then tell them to BUY THIS BOOK so you can borrow it (for free - or at least for an element of your local council taxes).

I see the Governement want to save £3.5 Billion by making 91,000 civil servants unemployed. Is this the same government that lost £16 BILLION (£16,000,000,000) £11.4 BILLION** through Covid Loan Fraud..? You save the pennies and the Pounds will - er - disappear into the bank accounts of criminals. Perhaps we could have saved money by making the Government unemployed?

[** Correction: Only £11.4 Billion has had to have been written off].

Don't forget: BUY THIS BOOK.

A May Post

Not quite so good news on the football front this past week, but still hoping for promotion. It will be tough though.

My book publication date came and went, with my usual expectations sadly dampened. One day some people are going to surprise me by actually buying it...
This followed my most pro-active spell of 'pushing' of the book (book reviews, plugging on the internet, getting on the Kobo New Releases page - along with three hundred and forty-eight other books). Perhaps I should have left the goldfish off of the front cover and replaced it with a semi-clad woman or man (or both)..?
Sex sells; goldfish don't.

Talking of goldfish: Emily Brontë had a goldfish called Heathcliff (you can see where this is leading). This is a true fact - like a lot of true facts that are found on this Blog page. Informative and true. Heathcliff (the goldfish) was a tortured soul, consumed by anger, rage and jealousy (and a cat, called Isabella). Life imitating art.

My only consoling thought is that the people who said they were going to buy my book (back to that again) are waiting until they get paid at the end of the month.
Oh, Happy Meat!

A Post Before The Big Book Launch Day

Well that has been a few days of pleasure, gained from the football front. A couple of wins and hopes are high for promotion. Who would have thought it, given the first set of results? I Believe In Miracles, indeed!

As Emily Brontë once said: A sensible man ought to find sufficient company in himself, so, I say: Stop eating penguins!
How sensible those words..? The rumour that dear old Emily - that beloved writer from Yorkshire, whose name lent itself to the naming of the Brontosaurus (not many people know that) - stopped eating penguins after reading One Hundred And One Strange Stories has, so far, been unverified. But I am sure you can picture it, and so the rumour must have some semblance of truth in it..?

Yes, the big book launch happens next Tuesday. Don't forget to order your copy from the Kobo Bookstore. Just ask Emily how good it is.
Oh, you can't..

One Hundred And One Strange Stories. If Emily can give up eating penguins, so can you.

Photographs

I've added another section to my PHOTOGRAPHS pages here. It is called Reflections, and is literally that: i.e reflections in water, not reflections on life and the meaning of it - I'm no nearer to that.

As to the meaning of life, I looked out of my back window this evening, at the lovely blue sky and the white wispy clouds, and the white wispy clouds seemed to be saying something. One was shaped like a letter R, another shaped like a letter A; then I realised that the next two clouds spelled IN. Is someone up there is trying to tell me something..?

Baylis Brothers, Bungalow Farm, Greatworth

One of my more successful (or least unsuccessful) posts on one of my other blog pages is Bungalow Farm, Greatworth. This post was a reminisce about a holiday destination our family used to make for in the Sixties and Seventies. A working farm in Northamptonshire, close to Banbury in North Oxfordshire.

The holidays there had cows and a swing in the cow shed - there were no foam-formed giant cartoon animals or amusement rides. Instead of holiday reps we had farmers (five brothers and one sister), who all made the holidays there so very enjoyable for us kids. Depending upon the time of year, we were allowed to 'assist' the farmers with various jobs: muck spreading, hay baling, leading the cows in to milk (the cows knew where they were going).

The nearby towns and villages around had plenty to interest us (Banbury, Brackley, Sulgrave, Helmdon, Greatworth) and the countryside (narrow lanes and farms) seemed exotic (no coal mines or pit tips, for one thing).

Holidays at this farm must have given pleasant memories to a number of people because my (pretty-much now defunct) blog site still gets a number of hits on this particular post.

Boris Munchausen

So Boris lied - several times. What a surprise..? Well at least, I suppose, he didn't paint this one on the side of a bus. Talking of buses: when are we going to get this £3 billion upgrade to our bus services? The supposed new flexible services for our rural community are very flexible - if you don't mind waiting two hours for the next one...

...I shall not hold my breath.

Following on from old Boris' example, I will give you the following facts about my latest book One Hundred And One Strange Stories :

• Buying this book is a fantastic opportunity to improve Britain's standing in the world;
• Reading this book will help create more jobs in the transport sector, leading to better bus services (Build Better Buses);
• This book will give people something to read and enjoy whilst queuing at the A&E;
• Most of the stories in this book are completely truthful - especially the one about the two giant intergalactic pandas who kidnap a human;
• There are no parties in this book whatsoever; and any parties that are in this book are completely within the guidelines - so I've been informed.

I, of course, sincerely apologise for any upset I have caused to people through the points I have made above. No one told me I was doing anything wrong - and I am still not sure whether I did... Has anybody been to Peppa Pig World recently?

One Hundred And One Strange Stories

It's only 26 days until ONE HUNDRED AND ONE STRANGE STORIES is published. Don't forget to pre-order your copy from the Kobo Bookstore. This book is guaranteed not to end up on a charity shop bookshelf (next to autobiography My Route by bus driver Kenneth Stubble).

Those people at the Seattle Star have been at it again. Inflicting my words on an unsuspecting public. I'm not sure what they will make of Rupert Bear.

...I'm not sure what I make of Rupert Bear.

Tall Short Stories - further news

A couple of days ago I noticed that someone had placed a very kind review of my book TALL SHORT STORIES on the Kobo Bookstore site. And they had given it five stars. See here for details.

Dog Bites Man

Well, the teeth marks are still there, but I didn't begin foaming at the mouth or start howling at the moon. I just hope the dog didn't come down with food poisoning.

I have been busy removing errors from my latest book One Hundred And One Strange Stories before it is published on the 3rd May. I am certain there will be some errors that have passed notice ..so far. (I have just corrected one that I found in my second book, which was published in 2018.) I am hoping it (the book, not the error) will appear in the Kobo "New Releases" in the week leading up to its publication. Better than appearing at number 14,372 down a list of 22,865 short story books (some of which are not short stories - but that is another gripe of mine that I won't go into today). I mean, who wants to scroll through 700-odd pages of screens, to find my poor offering?

I have also been doing some publicity work for my new book (sitting in front of a computer screen, twiddling my fingers and thumbs). It is not as constructive as giving a reading at the local library, in semaphore, but uses less energy (and I need to conserve that in order to stay awake, these days)..

So, if you are passing your soon-to-be-closed local lending library, and you feel the vibes (twiddling fingers and thumbs), then go to the Kobo site and order a copy of ONE HUNDRED AND ONE STRANGE STORIES - it will make you feel better (I can't guarantee that, though).

ALSO: I have added some new photographs on my PHOTOGRAPHS page (where else?) today.

New Book News

I have decided to put back publication of This Could Be Our Finest Hour and am publishing, in its place, a volume called One Hundred And One Strange Stories, a collection of old and new stories. See the Kobo bookstore for details.

One Hundred And One Strange Stories is due out on the 3rd May, price £5.00, and can be pre-ordered now. Don't forget: I am not in it for the money, just the fame...

Yesterday I was bitten by a some old woman's small dog. How famous is that..?

A Mid-March Showing

Current events make it difficult to set out any of my usual light, humorous thoughts at the moment.

On a personal note, the price of gas and electricity is set to increase but I will still be warm and cosy; food prices will go up but I shall not starve; my football team is having a good run in the FA Cup and are playing some nice football at the moment; and nobody is throwing bombs at me (yet), but all of those people are dying because of some madman with a small dick and a massive lust for _power. (it's called a small dick complex).

On the writing front, I am swinging back towards cancelling This Could Be Our Finest Hour - in its present form, a least. I shall be coming up with PLAN B. Some new writing will make its appearance in May. Watch this space.

Please note: if you are under the impression that I have something against Tom Hanks, you are wrong. I am sure that he is a very pleasant person (Hi, Tom! don't forget to let me have your thoughts on I, CHIMP.)

Sales of my books hit a peak (more Misk Hill than Everest) in February, causing me to have a cheerful, optimistic moment. As someone keeps regularly pointing out: they aren't sales, because nobody actually spent any money. Just imagine how happy I would be if money was spent, too...

...of course, I'm not in it for the money, just the fame.

Peace to all in the world.

Book Review: Tom Hanks

Anybody interested in my review of Tom Hank's book Uncommon Type will find it here.

Stuck For Words

Mid-February News

I have recommenced work on my next book, THIS COULD BE OUR FINEST HOUR ISBN 1230003999127, which is due out in May. I am polishing up the existing stories and trying to fit in a few new ones, to bring it up to a relatively decent book-length.
The book is sub-titled: Modern Stories For Modern People With Short Attention Spans, as there are quite a lot of one-pagers in it. I suffer nose bleeds if I pass more than four hundred words.

I had to give up reading The Rainbow as the weight of words was crushing me. I much prefer lighter reads, such as Rupert the Yellow Plastic Margarine Tub Meets Mister Jeeps the Floor Mop, or anything with Budgies or Helicopters in - or Budgie the Helicopter..?

I have begun reading Tom Hanks' book: Uncommon Type. All this 'thing' about it having typewriters in is a bit of a 'laff'. I was expecting stories about alien typewriters taking over the world or a typewriter with super powers, but it is just a series of stories that might happen to mention a typewriter in passing ('..Rupert tripped over the Garibaldi Red Olivetti 82 and broke his neck on the day before Thanksgiving Day. Mary wasn't best pleased because the turkey still needed plucking..').
Watch out for my review on Goodreads. My reviews are sometimes interesting but are not often insightful.

Further to my news about THIS COULD BE OUR FINEST HOUR, it is priced at £0.99 for pre-orders before the 5th May; after then it will cost you £1.99.

News From A Small Part Of The World

I found a copy of Tom Hanks' book, Uncommon Type, on the shelf of a charity shop last Friday. Unmarked; practically unread; on offer for £1.
Oh, I thought, how the mighty have fallen.
Still, he's sold four hundred billion books more than I have.

I look forward to reading his short stories...

My own books have been selling like hot cakes (hot cakes that no one is too desperate to buy) this merry month of February. At least three in a country called ???.
I don't know where ??? is but I'm hoping it is in South America or the Antarctic, so I can honestly claim to have sold books on all the continents of the world.

There was also a sale in Canada. (Good old Canada!) I am gradually catching you up, Tom.

My legs recovered quite quickly after the scramble up Jaggers Clough. I must be getting fitter in my old age. Next I'll be doing a twenty mile walk - I just have to find a supermarket far enough away.

I am watching (and listening to) the football front with great interest. Perhaps we will do the double this year? (not very likely) or at least two trips to Wembley? Whatever, it is very enjoyable at the moment, so I must enjoy it while I can. Perhaps I was right to re-watch I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES COYRs!!!

Jaggers Clough

No, nothing to do with the Rolling Stones, this post is about that narrow valley that leads up to the top of the Kinder Scout plateau.

It had been suggested, some time ago, by the late, lamented Mr C (see 07/11/2020) that we '..do Jaggers Clough again..'. At the time I had suggested doing it in winter (possibly with some snow on the ground), not during the height of summer when he mentioned it. But sadly we never got around to it before Mr C hung up his walking boots forever.

Yesterday, myself and Rusty Dave met up in Sheffield, and travelled on some wonderful Northern Rail rolling stock along the Hope Valley line (the last time I took that route it was on one of those buses on rail).

Well, we didn't have snow but we did find ourselves walking into a Force 8 or 9 gale (I don't know where a sixteen and a half stone man, nearly being blown over comes on the Beaufort Scale). At least the wind wasn't cold.

The walk round the side of Win Hill soon warmed us up, even if the wind wasn't that cold, and we had a brief sandwich break at the bottom of the Clough. And then we began our ascent.

I had forgotten how this route was not a walk...

It was very exhilarating - a marvellous scamble up rocks and along a barely discernable path (how they got ponies up there beats me), and - a number of times - I wondered whether Mr C would have made it, given he had seriously broken his leg a few years before. (All we could do was take a map that used to belong to him along with us.)

We reached the top and followed the path round and down to Edale just in time to catch the train back (too late to have a drink in the Old Nag's Head or The Ramblers).

We only saw three people along the entire route: a man running with the wind at his back (or perhaps he was being blown uncontrollably), a walker who passed us as we sat at the bottom of the Clough and somebody from Edale risking the hill about an hour and a half before sunset. Apart from that it was just we two who had braved the gale.

A really enjoyable day's 'walking'. Sorry it was only your map that could make it, but thank-you, Mr C, for suggesting it.

Words

When I read that three women were rowing all the way across the Atlantic, I thought: Why couldn't they have sorted out their differences amicably?

..but then I realised my mistake.

I have just finished Larry Niven's Tales Of Known Space and I recommend it to anyone who enjoys good short stories - even if they don't appreciate Science Fiction. My late January New Year's resolution is to read some more Larry Niven.

Ban Faux Hunting!

OK OK, so enough already! So we have been glued to our television screens, watching the sad shifty-eyed creature scurry away from the chasing pack of hounds and it has made enjoyable viewing but perhaps we ought to turn our attention to the eleven years of damage that has been inflicted on the country by this shift-eyed creature and his mates?

I am currently deciding whether to publish my next book - or not. I read it through the other night (because I was worried that it was a little thin) but have the feeling that I can put it out provided I add in a few meaty stories. Watch this space for further news.

I know, I made a New Year's resolution (the year before last) not to say "WOO-HOO!" when I sold a book, but resolutions are there to be broken or perhaps I didn't know - or no one informed me - that it was a resolution. So WOO-HOO! (God bless America). My International Selling book (note the lack of the word Best) has been downloaded on five of the six continents of the world (no one on Antarctica has bothered yet - but there is time...)

Happy New Year!

Well the New Year kicked off in happiness when Lewis Grabban popped up in the box to direct that curling pass into the back of the net. Let's hope the happiness continues!

Incidentally, talking of Arsenal I remember, watching the t.v. screen in a bar at Reading railway station, some European Cup game against Juventus (it may have been during the 2005/2006 season), and I made a comment to an Arsenal fan that it was a game between Nottingham Forest and Notts County - but he didn't understand (I was alluding to the original teams who donated their respective shirts). So much for history...

...still, if it hadn't been for Forest giving them some old kit, Woolwich Arsenal would still be playing in grey jerseys or in lilly white - or naked. And I'm not sure what Juventus would have been wearing if they hadn't had some hand-me-downs from County.

On the political front, my advice to Boris Johnson (or Bogus, as we like to call him around here) is to confess all but say that it wasn't his fault, it was Michael Gove who had hypnotised him. And to come up with a new slogan: BUILD BETTER BARBECUES (bring your own booze). See my 16/12/2021 post for further details.

News Of The New

It doesn't seem as though a year has passed since I last posted. And it hasn't, just six days - but a new year has come. Years are just numbers.

I do not make New Year's Resolutions - I am too irresolute - but I will continue to do the things that I have been doing for the past few years: trying to complete books and trying to get them sold. Also I will try to lose a little bit of weight (let's say 14 pound). Must get back on my bike (and eat and drink less).

In May my fourth book of short stories should come out. It will either be a cheap collection of shoddy short stories or a shoddy collection of expensive short stories. (I am selling it well, aren't I?) In the meantime another comedian will appear on day-time t.v. promoting yet another best-selling children's novel (that is a novel for children that is bound to become a best-seller). When I see that - that comedian - I will say: "You must be joking!"

Talking of jokes, I see that there is pressure being applied to people who have made jokes of 'questionable taste' in the past. I, myself, find that old joke about the dog with no nose quite upsetting - especially for dogs who may suffer from a disability. And the same goes for chickens whose lives are endangered through crossing a busy road.

And as for taking the Michael out of people who are unfortunate enough to slip on a banana skin... well!!

War And Peace

My short story WAR AND PEACE can be found on the Seattle Star Journal. This is the story that wasn't written by Leo Tolstoy; although he might have wished he had...

The West Coast of America is a wonderful place, I'm sure. All those giant crabs and lobsters - and giant Corporations. The people of Seattle are blessed with not one, not two, but three of my short stories - oh lucky them!

But seriously (I have just put on my serious head), if you feel the need to read any of these three stories, or any other of my stories, please feel free to download my (free) book TALL SHORT STORIES from the Kobo Website. See details on this link

...and if you happen to be in Seattle, say "Hi" to Omar for me.

Hobbits And Youthful Habits

Around the 25th December I tend to read Lord Of The Rings. It is an annual 'thing' with me. This year I began with The Hobbit (just finished today). In doing so, I surprised myself by discovering that I had been given this book when I was fourteen years of age - perhaps an age when I should have been reading more adult material. But I was always little backward - age-wise - I guess (and still am to this day).

But that is all water under the bridge - as they say in places where there are rivers and bridges. My youthful outlook on life will (hopefully) be with me to the very last, when I'm surrounded by family and friends, and my favourite toys and teddy bears, and someone will be sat at the side of the bed, reading: '..and Bilbo passed him the tobacco jar..'

Vote For Peppa Pig!

Here at the Peppa Pig Party (PPP) we like to think that The Future Is Pink and we are free to tell Porkies whenever we feel the need to.

Our mission is to level up by filling in the many pot holes in our nation's austerity-neglected roads; take control of our borders by forming more borders than we previously had; and by Building Better Bacon (whatever that means).

At the Peppa Pig Party we like to party like there is no tomorrow - or any restrictions on social gatherings. Our mantra is fantastic funishings; our love is for power not moral rectitude or truth.

If you are voting today, vote for the PPP! You know it makes sense.

Ant And Dec

I am not a big fan of Ant and Dec, in fact, in my mind I compare them to those Sixties hand puppets Sooty and Sweep (glassy-eyed; squeaky voices). I think my antipathy is derived from the types of t.v. programme that they appear in (one of my fondest dreams is for the cockroaches to eat the 'celebrities' and have done with them).

It might be me that is the problem. You see, I hate most of the programmes on t.v. that are the most popular with the viewing public. Programmes with dancing or on ice, or cooking or baking, and especially those ones with the word celebrity in their title. Fifteen minutes of fame is nine hundred seconds too much for some people.

I like programmes about animals or history ...or railways (except for railway lines travelled by a celebrity). Programmes that say something about something, without it being said by someone who thinks they are a someone.

But last night, I happened to be sat in the room with the television tuned to Let Me Out Of Here, I'm A Cockroach (fondest wish), when Ant and Dec came out with that thing about Bogus Johnson and that illegal party at Number Ten, and I thought: Yes. Oh yes!

I thought: OK, Guys, I think you are all right.

...I still can't stand that programme, though.

Book Sales

Avalanches are often caused by tiny beads of ice shifting slightly, setting off a giant torrent of ice, rocks and snow down a precipitous slope towards some small, unaware village nestling quietly in the valley bottom. Book sales can sometimes do the same. At least I hope so. (Well, not the small, unaware villagers in their small village.)

Sales from the USA and India this month have me hoping for this avalanche effect to take place. (Before the snow melts.) At the very least I have a small amount of excitement - that probably won't last more than a few days. But I remain optimistic (or is it misty-optic?) Whatever, I am cheerful for a few days - and that can't be a bad thing.

Is that a roaring I can hear? Or is it just a noise in my head? Or my stomach?

Oh, it's my stomach.

The Future Is Pink - The Peppa Pig Party (PPP)

There are certain moments in your life when something so fantastic, so startling, changes the way that you think. This certain moment might have happened to our distant ancestor when he or she first caught hold of a burning branch and thought: "Ouch! That's hot!"

One of those moments came to me a few days ago, when I was watching the news on t.v. What I saw was a revelation. In an instance, gone were my old thoughts of equality of man and a fairer society. In its place there came the thought: THE FUTURE IS PINK.

In the future I will be placing my vote against the Peppa Pig Party Build Better Bacon.

Other stunning news is I have placed some more content on some of my pages. You only have to look for them (happy hunting).

There is only so much evidence a small Jack Russell can dispose of

I have re-released my single short story book BLOOD (tag line: 'There is only so much evidence a small Jack Russell can dispose of..') in the small hope that someone will read it (leading them to buy my other books).

Other marketing ideas I have are: dressing up as a pixie and touring the USA; creating an audio book of I, CHIMP in Morse code; becoming an Member of Parliament and taking up writing as a second job (in my spare time, when everybody else is faffing about voting in the Houses Of Commons or doing things on select committees); or appearing on day-time television as a plant pot (a talking plant pot, no less).

Anybody who is interested in downloading (and possibly even reading) BLOOD can find it here on the Kobo Bookstore.

To ready myself for my plant-pot role I am studying the antics of the existing plant pots on day-time television. I am currently trying to master that fixed grin and glassy-eyed stare.

The End Of The Way

Yesterday I finished the Robin Hood Way (the second time I have fully walked it), begun last year and completed section-by-section over fourteen months (perhaps having one month off - for good behavour). Sadly the original three walkers became two shortly after the first section (see 07/11/2020 post) but we two continued in memory of Mr C.

I have added some book reviews here, for some reason on my OTHER STUFF page (surely I should have featured it on the LITERATURE page?)

I have had to have a rest from reading the Dune series of books due to brain-ache. I moved on to I Am Ozzy the autobiography of John 'Ozzy' Osbourne and now I have jaw ache through smiling. Class!

Medice, Cura Te Ipsum

A thought occurred to me today: People say, 'Physician, Heal Thyself' but no one says, 'Butcher, mince thyself' or 'Traffic Warden, issue thyself a ticket', do they? It must be very frustrating for doctors.

My webpages are being fitted out with some more photographs and a few more Plinky-Plonky Noises. At some point I may even put some interesting content in them. For now, you will have to be content with this content.

It has been just over one year since my mini-novel I, Chimp was published (one year and one day to be precise) and I am still waiting for a flood of people to buy it (as you may have guessed from my previous, recent posts). So, come on, get your wallets out and buy it. It only costs £1.99 - how cheap is that? I can guarantee that on reading it you will laugh at least once (if only a bitter laugh of: why did I spend £1.99 on this?)

On the writing front, I am currently working on a short story called Physician, Heal Thyself (strangely enough).

My congratulations go out to the UK Government: the Battle of Waterloo may or may not have been won on the playing fields of Eton, but some seriously comic moments are being played out in Parliament by the former combatants of those rugby pitches and cricket grounds of merry old Eton.
Ha-ha! I'm glad I only get one vote...

Prediction For The Year 2034

This is my prediction for the year 2034.

In 2034 (when I shall probably be an ashy remains, lingering in a dusty pot on the bottom shelf of a moth-infested wardrobe) the World will have solved global warming. Giant refrigerators* will be situated on Greenland and the Antarctic landmasses, with their doors fully open, cooling the air and giving polar bears and penguins somewhere to store walrus blubber and fish. Governments from the tropical and temperate zones will issue each of their peoples a set of stilts to help wade through the rising water. Boats – rowing and sailing – will be the main form of transport, having replaced cars.

In 2034 my book I, Chimp will become an international best seller, and a three part film series will be made of it (filmed in watery New Zealand) starring a 3D computer generated image of Roddy McDowall in a monkey suit. The film will also feature a Ninja elf called Colin who can fire multiple arrows from his Ninja bow, and some of the original storyline will be sacrificed ‘to make the film more exciting.’ Sadly for me I will not be able to enjoy the benefits of a rich and over-indulgent lifestyle as the money from the book and films will go to the owner of the wardrobe (see paragraph 2). Fame will not affect me in my ashy state.

In 2034 Hartlepool United FC will win the Premier League (make sure you place a bet on this outcome – you will be rich!) but they will not be allowed to enter the European Super League, for the 2034-35 season, because they are not ‘..a really big rich club..’. Water polo will overtake golf as an outdoor sport.

In 2034 the Government in Westminster will announce successful trade deals with the kingdoms of Mercia and Northumberland. Leading members of the Conservative and Wessex party will suggest that this vindicates their call to Get Wessexit Done, made five years prior, even though fishing rights along the Thames Valley will remain in Mercia’s hands. Fox hunting will be reintroduced in the Home Counties.

In 2034 there will be a World stilt shortage. This will not be a shortage of stilts; it will just be found that stilts are getting shorter. In 2034 a lot of other silly things will happen.

* I realise that a refrigerator would not cool the Earth, as it is just a local heat exchange. This is why air conditioning causes hot air.

Book Selling

I have added a little more to my website; specifically, some more photographs and drawings. Those of you interested in the process of book selling might like to read my thoughts and opinions on this matter here on my Other Stuff page, although I am not altogether sure that you will gain any benefit from it - especially as I am not altogether (that word again) successful in this area.

That ..momentary feeling of excitement.. (see previous post) has definitely died down now (it's been three weeks). I just sit here at my desk and wonder why anyone would want to read a Hairy Porter novel when my I, Chimp mini-novel is ten times more entertaining and only priced at £1.99. Don't run with the pack, I say. Why get a tattoo of some meaningless Chinese script enscribed on the back of your neck and read a book that EVERYONE has read, when you can have unblemished skin and read a book that NOBODY has read.

...When I say nobody has read it, what I mean is nobody has bought it. Several people have read it, and I can tell by the stunned silence that is emanating from them that they are really quite impressed.

Mid-October Update

I have given up my LittleDogOnALead website for now, to concentrate on this one. As a consequence, I may start writing longer posts on this website (but not today).
I have added a few more pictures on the PHOTOGRAPHS page.
On the book-selling front, I had a 'sale' a couple of weeks ago. The momentary feeling of excitement has died down again. The 'sale' was from the UK. I am still hoping for someone from the Antarctic to 'buy' a book in order to make me a truly inter-continental book seller. I have been looking for contact details for one of those Antarctic bases but they all appear to live in Cambridge. Must be very snowy in East Anglia.
I have amended my style sheet, so that anyone viewing this website from a smart phone or tablet will no longer see _{tiny, tiny writing} that fills the screen and which they are unable to read; they will now be able to see BIG, BIG WRITING that fills the screen and which involves lots of scrolling down to complete the sentence.

The Spiders From Mars

October Update

Garibaldi Reds

Further Progress

Progress

Welcome To My Upgraded Website

September News

More August News

Progress

Upwards, Onwards and Upwards

Peter Rabbit

Just A Roll On Your Drum

Aussie Rules

July News

June News

May News

Goodbye, Barry

Late March News

Book Update

More Book News

Further New Year's News

New Year's Resolution

More Good News From Canada

Adieu, Adieu

A Late November Update

Mistaken Identity

Woo-Hoo! From The USA

Ballet For A Rainy Day

Neil

Here Comes Another One

Like Buses

The News At 23:30

I, Chimp

I, Chimp (The Book) - Progress

Story Of The Month - October 2020

Garibaldi Reds

Yes, You Guessed It - "Woo-hoo!"

Kibble

A Strange "Woo-Hoo!"

More News...

You Know What I Mean When I Say: 'Woo-Hoo!'

Story Of The Month - August

A 'Woo-Hoo' For The Month Of July

Black Horse

Christmas Walk

Walk A While, Walk A While

This Could Be Our Finest Hour

Has Anyone Seen Sam Lowry?

Quote Of The Day

Next Book

A Merry Month Of May: 'Woo-Hoo!'

Archive of BLOG

E-Book Price Reduction

Partially-Fledged Geek

Woo Hoo! (Yes, you've guessed it)

Crime in Bognor

Maria Pypelincxstraat 4

Economically Inactive

An Antipodean 'Woo-hoo!'

Anti-Christmas Walk

Happy Birthday!

Hucknall Beer Festival

Health Service

Celebrities

It's a question of judgment.

New Book Title

A New Flag For Europe

Eco-Warrior

The Future Is Out There